Friday, May 23, 2014

The hardest parts

For me, some of the hardest moments to navigate in this life of a birthmom are the ones when I have to find the fine line between getting my emotional needs met and respecting others. How much do I lean on and vent to my family and friends? When D is late with an update or pics, is it worth stressing her out when it feels like the elephant sitting on my chest won't be moving until I'm looking at a picture of my sweet girl? I'm blessed with an amazing relationship with A's adoptive family, but even that doesn't come without struggles. D is amazing but she can't possibly understand my hurt or struggles. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I need to "buck up" and not be so needy, as if I'm allowing myself to have these weak moments. I try to be conscious of how very hectic her life is, but I can't put myself in her shoes any more than she can mine. There are times when life with a colicky baby and hectic work schedule get busy and the weekly picture time comes and goes. Occasionally, times like now when it's now at the two week mark with nothing but promises to send some. I'm sitting here dying a little inside but trying not to add to her chaos and trying to remember the thousand good moments between the ones like this one. I wish I could just turn off the pain so that I'm not such a nuisance anymore.

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