I still have to deal with grief a lot, but I have discovered some great coping mechanisms that help significantly. When I was pregnant I was afraid I'd struggle to find joy in life again but now I find even more joy despite the pain.. My daughter is beautiful and sweet and most importantly happy.
First, I focus on the future. I decided to go back to school to become a nurse practitioner. I focus on one day having a baby that is all mine and that will call me mommy. I cling to the thought of being someone's mommy in the full extent. I focus on how amazing my life is going to be in my dream job and accomplishing everything that I want to in life. I know it may not end up exactly as I envision, but the hope is amazing.
I focus on the good things in life. For me, this often means comparing myself to adoptions less optimal than mine. This makes me realize how very blessed I am to have the openness I have and the relationship that I have with my daughter's adoptive parents.
When I struggle with feeling left out of her life I cling to everything that proves I am still her mom – just not her only mom. I focus on how I gave her life- ME!-, breast-fed her, pumped her life-sustaining milk. I did what moms do – I put her well-being before mine. It also helps to notice every little thing she takes after me. I focus on her lips being replicas of mine, the roundness of her eyes being like mine, her chattiness, her nosiness, her odd sense of humor.
I tell myself how strong I am. I survived what I think is the most difficult thing I could go through and came out the other end a better person for it. I use words of affirmation to tell myself that I am beautiful, strong, and so much more. This is new for me but makes me feel like anything in life is attainable.
I make sure that I have levelheaded sounding boards. These are people I can call or text when I'm feeling angry or sad and they will be loving and supportive but not add to my anger. I find that quite often my grief deflects as anger towarufds people. When I get it off my chest I can sit back and look at things with a fresh set of eyes and deal with my grief in a more constructive manner.
Most importantly, I pray. I think of God's plan for my life and A. I know that this is not an accident and that we are on the center of God's plan. He is in control even when I am not.