Inspiration

So much has happened that I can't even share. Let it suffice to say that I've struggled the past few days more than I have since the very early days where I existed in a deep fog of pain. Maya Angelou's death shocked and saddened me today, but reading over some of my favorite quotes from her has lent a great deal of inspiration. Of course, I have to share a few:

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

"Nothing can dim the light which shines from within."

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."

"You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'"

What a wise woman she was. I'm going to be OK- I'm strong and have been blessed with an incredible support system and an amazing God that gives me everything I need when I don't have an ounce of strength, decorum, or joy left of my own accord.

I don't mean to be so vague, but my blog has elicited more views than I anticipated and therefore can't be the venting place I had planned. I'm OK with that because I feel like it is going to become so much more than I had hoped. I will say that adoption is hard for everyone involved. We all have moments where it's harder and sometimes those moments affect others in significant ways. The key is in trusting that these challenges are temporary and will one day be forgotten. Oh, faith- it's time to work on that lesson some more.

The hardest parts

For me, some of the hardest moments to navigate in this life of a birthmom are the ones when I have to find the fine line between getting my emotional needs met and respecting others. How much do I lean on and vent to my family and friends? When D is late with an update or pics, is it worth stressing her out when it feels like the elephant sitting on my chest won't be moving until I'm looking at a picture of my sweet girl? I'm blessed with an amazing relationship with A's adoptive family, but even that doesn't come without struggles. D is amazing but she can't possibly understand my hurt or struggles. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I need to "buck up" and not be so needy, as if I'm allowing myself to have these weak moments. I try to be conscious of how very hectic her life is, but I can't put myself in her shoes any more than she can mine. There are times when life with a colicky baby and hectic work schedule get busy and the weekly picture time comes and goes. Occasionally, times like now when it's now at the two week mark with nothing but promises to send some. I'm sitting here dying a little inside but trying not to add to her chaos and trying to remember the thousand good moments between the ones like this one. I wish I could just turn off the pain so that I'm not such a nuisance anymore.

Birthfather

I spent most of my pregnancy angry at A's birthfather. I think I was partly angry at him for not being more careful, angry that he got to go on with life as if nothing ever happened while I had to deal with constant responsibility and pain, and angry that he didn't seem to care. His first answer was abortion, so I think I never forgave him for that and used it as an excuse to shut him out. He was the sperm donor, not her father. I rarely spoke to him throughout the pregnancy and saw him only a few times. I chose the agency and parents, and he only met D&G after signing away his parental rights at the hospital. He didn't even want to meet A but agreed to it shortly before her birth because I had asked so little of him. When I went into labor I texted him and I think he changed at that moment. Things were real at that point, and he began texting me and offering to be there and support me in any way possible. I didn't have the energy to deal with him when I was so focused on getting A out safely, but he came to the hospital that night to meet her when no one else was there. In that moment, I forgave everything. I could see the love and heartbreak in his eyes as he looked at his daughter for the first time. He was too scared to hold her at first, but then he didn't want to let her go. He sent me a text that night asking me to forgive him for not being a "better man." He apologized for not being there and thanked me for bringing such a beautiful thing into this world. He regretted not doing more for us.

The thing was, he didn't feel a person growing inside him. He had no way of understanding the severity and depth of our reality until he met A. He wasn't necessarily a bad guy, just a clueless one. Singing away his parental rights was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he did it because he was a Dad and chose to put her needs above his own. He's told me since that he actually wants a child before, something he never expected to happen. He wishes he had gotten his act together the moment we found out I was pregnant so that we could have kept her. The truth it, that wouldn't have changed anything. I would have still been a nursing student and nanny and missed most of her waking hours. We wouldn't have been together as a couple so she still would have had a single Mom. We still wouldn't have had the resources to give her what she needs. He admits that she has an amazing life with truly incredible parents, but I am shocked at what being her father has done to him.

For a while I refused to call him her birth father and instead called him her biological father like a sperm donor. I'm so glad that I put A's well-being before my own resentment and invited him to the hospital twice to spend time with her. I'm glad that I kept him in the loop throughout the pregnancy and spoke to him after placement so I could genuinely tell her how much he loves her and relay the sweet things he says one day.  He hasn't expressed any desire to see her because I think his way of grieving requires separation, which is perfect because he is still young and wild and into a scene D, G, and I don't want her exposed to. I don't know what his future relationship with A will look like, but I'm optimistic that there will be one. I'm also thankful for laws to protect birthfathers. They can lack support and be difficult to deal with, but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve rights when it comes to their children.

Big Breath... It's Mother's Day

Well, my D-Day of sorts has arrived. So far I'm in one piece. I'll be honest, I'm sitting here pumping and DREADING church. I'm dreading the inevitable request for Moms to stand. What do I do? I don't want to hear the talk about the impact a mother has on her child's life, because I know I won't have that same impact on mine. I wish I had my beautiful girl in my arms to show off proudly with a look of "Yes, I DID create this incredible being and get to be her grounding cord each and every day!" Instead I'll focus on the fact that I gave her the ultimate gift as a Mom by putting her needs above my own. I'll remember the smiles she gave me at our visit yesterday and the way she wanted me to hold her, feed her, and put her down instead of her nanny; the way her eyes locked widely onto mine while she kept trying to be with me instead of sleeping until I finally put her happily down in her crib. My daughter is happy and cherished. She loves and remembers me. What incredible gifts.

I choose to focus on God's amazing healing power. People often tell me how strong I am to have made such a difficult decision, and to find so much joy in the aftermath. The truth is I am so, so weak. God has given all the wisdom and perspective I've needed to be so very happy. A is the best thing I've done with my life and it gives me so much joy to be a part of that.

Considering Egg Donation

I had a visit with A today, which was amazing (as always!). I also always enjoy the quality time and chatting with D. Today, she asked me about potentially donating eggs for them. I've thought about surrogacy since having A but decided it would be too much on me. I like the idea of donating eggs and want to do it for several reasons. It would almost guarantee that A got a sibling. It would be neat that A would have a sibling that shared her genetics. It would make me so happy for D to get to experience a happy pregnancy and giving birth to her baby. It's much cheaper than adoption, which means more money for A's future. I do have some questions I need to research and think through. I wonder if it would be hard to have another child biologically linked to me but not mine out there. I wonder how that relationship would be with me being A's birth mom. I feel like my family would not be crazy about there being another genetic link out there that's not "theirs" like a child of my own would. It's so different from adoption because this child would not be grown inside of me and would be started from day 1 with the mentality of being someone else's.

I also wonder about the logistics- how would I handle the hormones? How would I manage the testing, medications, frequent office visits, and procedure while being a full-time student AND nanny. Also, could I afford the time off work for all this? I wouldn't take money from D&G because I want to purely donate my eggs, but I have to make sure I can manage with all my bills. If I decide I can do it but not manage the financial hit, then what?

Sheesh, lots of questions! It seems so crazy and out of this world, but also seems kind of perfect. It may not even be a thing if they get pregnant on their own or decide to go the route of adoption again. I can't help but wonder if this has ever happened before.

Hmm...

Thinking about Mother's Day

I've been thinking about Mother's Day a lot lately. I know that lingering on it won't do anything to help but when I take time to sit down it's always there in the back of my head.

I've always dreamed of having a mom charm on my Pandora bracelet. I know this seems petty but it's just wanted those little things I associated with the joy of one day having a baby. It hurts a lot to know that this probably won't happen for me. I want people in my life to think of it and do it but I don't want to have to ask them. I think this comes down to my need to be validated as a mother – to not have to defend it.

One day, I will have a hugely celebrated Mother's Day. I'll have a baby in my arms, cards, my charm, and all those little things society has made so important to me

Coping Mechanisms

I still have to deal with grief a lot, but I have discovered some great coping mechanisms that help significantly. When I was pregnant I was afraid I'd struggle to find joy in life again but now I find even more joy despite the pain.. My daughter is beautiful and sweet and most importantly happy.

First, I focus on the future. I decided to go back to school to become a nurse practitioner. I focus on one day having a baby that is all mine and that will call me mommy. I cling to the thought of being someone's mommy in the full extent. I focus on how amazing my life is going to be in my dream job and accomplishing everything that I want to in life. I know it may not end up exactly as I envision, but the hope is amazing.

I focus on the good things in life. For me, this often means comparing myself to adoptions less optimal than mine. This makes me realize how very blessed I am to have the openness I have and the relationship that I have with my daughter's adoptive parents.

When I struggle with feeling left out of her life I cling to everything that proves I am still her mom – just not her only mom. I focus on how I gave her life- ME!-, breast-fed her, pumped her life-sustaining milk. I did what moms do – I put her well-being before mine. It also helps to notice every little thing she takes after me. I focus on her lips being replicas of mine, the roundness of her eyes being like mine, her chattiness, her nosiness, her odd sense of humor.

I tell myself how strong I am. I survived what I think is the most difficult thing I could go through and came out the other end a better person for it. I use words of affirmation to tell myself that I am beautiful, strong, and so much more. This is new for me but makes me feel like anything in life is attainable.

I make sure that I have levelheaded sounding boards. These are people I can call or text when I'm feeling angry or sad and they will be loving and supportive but not add to my anger. I find that quite often my grief deflects as anger towarufds people. When I get it off my chest I can sit back and look at things with a fresh set of eyes and deal with my grief in a more constructive manner.

Most importantly, I pray. I think of God's plan for my life and A. I know that this is not an accident and that we are on the center of God's plan. He is in control even when I am not.