Today the adoption was finalized. I knew it was coming and have been bracing myself for it. I feel like it further secures that I'm no longer A's Mom, and that hurts deeply. I don't want to take back the adoption, but my heart longs to still be a Mom to her. I'm also comforted by finalization because it secures her in the home I chose for her forever. She has an amazing Mom and Dad, and I'm happy they are officially a family forever. Oh, the mixed emotions. I never thought I could be so happy and sad at the same time. It's so ironic that this had to happen on Good Friday... of all days.
Oh, A. I love you with everything I am. I hope you know that. I hope they tell you every day. I hope they read the book I got you every single day so you'll never doubt that. I hope your heart is so full of joy with your family that you never hurt over not being home with me. I hope that I'll always be a part of your family and that the future doesn't take away this amazing relationship we are developing. I hope that you don't one day hate me for giving you up, because I did it to give you so much more. I will always cherish those days in the hospital when you were my baby girl, and I was your Mommy, when I could give you everything you needed, when the world was you and me. I hope you always know how beautiful, smart, funny, and strong you are. We made an amazing team, and I hope this journey in life allows us to be a team as we navigate both of our roles and grief.
Gosh, it feels good to call myself that.