Never thought I'd say that statement. Saturday I visited A's town with a friend of mine and watched A for a couple hours. It was amazing to have the opportunity to care for her. I can't even describe how it feels to cuddle her, love on her, and have her smile and coo at me when I tell her how much I love her. When D&G were both home from work, we spent time together like a family and rejoiced together in some accomplishments for A. It still hurts to not be her Mommy, but I'm trying to focus on how amazing this adoption is.
A's been going through an attachment phase lately where she wants to be held by D alone all day. I know this is partly something some babies do, but partly fear due to losing me. It hurts to know that my decisions have caused this for her, but I am so thankful she has this amazing life I couldn't give her now that I know the little bit of pain she's going through is worth it. Honestly, it also relieves me that she has attached to D so well and affirms that she loves me and did miss me- that I was truly Mom and mattered to her. I'm trying to navigate this new role in her life and be thankful for this relationship we are developing.
When I say that D&G are giving A a life I couldn't, I don't mean financially. I'm happy that she'll have things I can't afford right now, but it goes so much deeper than that. A is a sweet and happy baby, but a needy one. I don't know how much of that is due to her pain of separation and abandonment feelings, but I know that at least some of it is just her nature. She would NOT do well in a daycare because she would cry all day. I'm thankful that she gets to spend all but maybe 15 hours a week with her Mom and with a Nanny during the others. They have the time, energy, maturity, and education to give her everything I want for her in regards to love, attention, nutrition (healthy, non-toxic food), education, and so much more. I don't believe that adoption is always the answer, but the more I see their happy family, the more I know it was the right one for me.