I've been reading a lot of anti-adoption activist material lately. I guess I'm just very curious about what everyone on all sides of the triad have to say. I've also been reading the primal wound and love it, but don't necessarily agree with 100% of it. I've come to my own conclusion that I feel all adoptees must feel some sort of grief at the separation even if it was at birth. I know I watched a lot of that happen with A in the weeks after our adoption and even now the innate connection she has with me. When she was born she immediately stopped crying when she heard my voice and started again when she was taken away – she knew that I was her grounding cord and that's all she knew. She has since bonded with D as her grounding cord and mother, but I can't see how it's possible to think she wouldn't have some grief over that loss. On the other side, I don't see why that loss has to be some great handicap or deep grief. At the end of the day she knows who her grounding cord is and knows she is loved and secure.
I know there's a lot of dirty things that go on in the adoption world and that there are many birthmothers who are Coerced into their decision. But I don't like the blanket statements that assume that all adoptions come from some form of coercion or that everyone involved has to end with some unhealable wound. I've often heard domestic infant adoption referred to as a long-term fix for a temporary problem in the anti-adoption community. I completely get where they're coming from and think that there are some cases where this is true. But I'd like to call the attention back to the primal wound theory – that children are permanently scarred by what happens around them as an infant. I know in my case, the circumstances that made adoption the best option may only be temporary. I will be in a place to raise a kid with a partner in maybe just a couple of years. But the first few years of A's life would have been rough. I think she would've had more abandonment issues because of her mother only seeing her a couple hours a day outside asleep. She would've hurt over not having a father involved in her life and loving her the way she deserves. Either way, she suffers a primal wound. Adoption allowed that wound to be minimal.
I hate that D and G had such a rough road that led them to me. But I am eternally grateful it did lead them to me. Because of domestic infant adoption, my daughter gets the most amazing life that she absolutely deserves. D&G get to have their dreams of being a parent come true. And I get to put my daughter first yet always be a part of her life.
*stepping off my soapbox*
what exactly is domestic infant adoption compared to adoption though an agency?
ReplyDeleteThere are two types of adoption in the US. The first is adoption from foster care (through the government) when a child is forcibly taken away or loses his or her parents. The second is domestic infant adoption, in which parents willfully terminate their parental rights (typically an infant). This can be done through an agency or independently through lawyers, like if a family adopted a child from someone they already knew. I highly recommend going through an agency for any domestic infant adoption to make sure that the adoption is done ethically. A good agency provides counseling for expectant parents, birth parents, and prospective adoptive parents.
DeleteThere is of course also international adoption which is done through agencies as well.