Monday, October 6, 2014

The ups and downs

The life of a birthmother, like so many others, is full of ups and downs. Lately I have been in a fantastic up-swing. When I think about A I feel only happy feelings and love. I'm thankful for adoption, thankful for D&G, and happy that God saw fit to throw me this curve-ball in life. I love my relationship with D and am thankful she's so open, warm, and loving to me. I'll encourage expectant parents to consider adoption in a heartbeat, and happily support those I know who are pursuing adoption.

I remember reading words similar to these of birthmothers while I was in "down" phase. It made me angry and jealous and I probably felt the opposite of everything stated. Grief is a tricky thing and can easily consume and overwhelm you. I firmly believe it's something that can be controlled. in reality, it's not me vs adoption. Adoption is the blessing that gave my daughter everything she deserves, created parenthood for a broken couple, and gave me a second chance to get life right. It's me vs grief. I've had to learn to recognize the sign of grief when they sneak in as atypical symptoms such as anger, fear, feeling of insufficiency, and much more. I then have had to learn to dissect these feelings as I can only overcome them by getting to the root and solvin the problems in my head. The intangibility of grief makes it even tricker. It's not something I can actively fix so I seek problems I think could be causing my hurt instead. I might blame my feelings on D not calling me often because that's something I can see and fix. The problem is this causes stress on relationships while never conquering the true source of pain.

I'm incredibly grateful for the coping mechanisms that have landed me in a truly happy, optimistic, and marginally hurt-free phase of life. Being able to detect the genuine source of hurt and overcome it has been one of the most momentous and beneficial accomplishments of my life and one that I wish I could hand away to every birthmother out there.

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