My life is actually happening

I had a revelation last night- I had scheduled my TEAS test and the last quarter of classes I needed before nursing school and was staring at the nursing school application. My life is happening- it's my own for the first time in over a year. I can't say moving on because I think about A almost constantly. But it's moving forward. For maybe the first time in my life I'm doing something entirely for myself.  When A was born, my life was in shambles. I had a job I didn't like, had lost my best friends except one, had been left by the one person I wanted to be with the rest of my life and couldn't seem to shake it, and no no goal in life- not to mention the loss of my daughter. Now I love my job and am cherished in it, I have many great relationships in my life, and I am learning to see A's adoption as more than loss. It's not easy, especially as I miss more and more in her life, but it's happening. My heart is very slowly healing and my life has become my own. I am gradually building a relationship with A that will last a lifetime... how very blessed I am.

Listen to Your Gut

I always hear people say to "listen to your heart." While I'm not saying this is bad advice, I think that what's more important is to listen to your gut. God has given us amazing instincts and speaks to us regularly to guide us if we'll only listen. I've been trying to listen to my gut to lead me through the vicarious adoption journey. When I follow my heart or even my head I get all twisted, mess up relationships, and find myself hurting more than I have to. I've been struggling so much more lately as a birth mom than I have for a while. Then I made a switch. I prayed harder about it and listened to that quiet voice for guidance. I talked to the right people and held my tongue when needed. I went shopping today and bought A two new outfits. I didn't want to because in the past it has been painful and unsuccessful, but something told me it was time. I didn't think about the "politics" of it all. D&G are great people and if they really didn't like the outfits they could return or donate them and I'd likely never know. So I bought her what I would if I were her Mom and enjoyed the experience. I talked to the sales clerk about my little girl because in the end, I needed an experience so somehow connect me back to her and let me enjoy being hers for a moment. If I see them on her in pics that will be great, but if not, I got what I needed. I left the therapeutic shopping trip happier and much more light-hearted than I've been in a while.

Musings

I'm really missing A today, as she turns 5 months old. It's hard to watch her age because I feel like the older she gets, the less impact I have on her life. It's hard for me to distinguish grief from anger and I've been struggling to discern what is fair to be angry about and what is simply part of the process that I need to deal with. Sometimes I feel angry that I'm not in her life more; that I am made to be a bigger part of her family, not face-timed with, never get videos made to me but to other family members, that I get shut out when things get rough, that I seem to get the brunt of the frustration sometimes. I know that many parts of that are not fair to be angry about. I chose adoption. I chose to not be her parent, to not be an immediate part of her family. I love that she's doing so well without me because that was my desire, but it's not easy to accept. It's hard to not feel brushed aside and unimportant because my task of growing a human being for someone else is finished. Sometimes I want to scream that I don't care if it's inconvenient, I want to be on the inside. I want to be sure that she knows she's loved by me. I want to know that she knows and loves me. I want to make sure that I don't disappear into the background and one day awkwardly shove myself back in when she has questions that only I can answer.

I know that this is a difficult time and that it will only get better. I have been told many times that the first year is the hardest and I can see why. Placing a child for adoption is difficult in and of itself, but add in the difficult of navigating a new relationship with her parents and it's ridiculous. There are no set rules, no norms to follow, no book to read. There's no way to know if any step is right on my part of if any move on their part is fair to me or right for A. I know that in time we'll settle into our roles and develop our rules as to how this thing should run. I'll learn to find my voice and know when it's appropriate to advocate it. A will get older and learn to love me on her own, and one day we will be a sort of odd, magical family of our on.

When that happens, I won't need anyone else to validate my significance. I'll learn to stand on my own feet and not need to selfishly feel that significance. I know that I chose adoption for A. I know that that was the last decision I got to make for her before handing those reigns over. I am happy beyond words that my baby girl is happy and safe and as she should be, but that doesn't stop my heart from yearning. Her little body was built inside of mine and every fiber of my being fights to maintain that connection no matter how hard I beg it to let go. SO no, my desires may not be fair. No, my anger may not be warranted. No, I may not need to be such a significant role in her life and yes, maybe I should loosen my grip of her. I rationally accept that, but the thing is it's going to take time. Time will heal these wounds and ease my anger. Time will fill my life with more and more joy that has already made the pain far more manageable that I had anticipated. In the meantime, I just hope those involved can find it in themselves to bear with me and show some compassion.