My life is actually happening

I had a revelation last night- I had scheduled my TEAS test and the last quarter of classes I needed before nursing school and was staring at the nursing school application. My life is happening- it's my own for the first time in over a year. I can't say moving on because I think about A almost constantly. But it's moving forward. For maybe the first time in my life I'm doing something entirely for myself.  When A was born, my life was in shambles. I had a job I didn't like, had lost my best friends except one, had been left by the one person I wanted to be with the rest of my life and couldn't seem to shake it, and no no goal in life- not to mention the loss of my daughter. Now I love my job and am cherished in it, I have many great relationships in my life, and I am learning to see A's adoption as more than loss. It's not easy, especially as I miss more and more in her life, but it's happening. My heart is very slowly healing and my life has become my own. I am gradually building a relationship with A that will last a lifetime... how very blessed I am.

Listen to Your Gut

I always hear people say to "listen to your heart." While I'm not saying this is bad advice, I think that what's more important is to listen to your gut. God has given us amazing instincts and speaks to us regularly to guide us if we'll only listen. I've been trying to listen to my gut to lead me through the vicarious adoption journey. When I follow my heart or even my head I get all twisted, mess up relationships, and find myself hurting more than I have to. I've been struggling so much more lately as a birth mom than I have for a while. Then I made a switch. I prayed harder about it and listened to that quiet voice for guidance. I talked to the right people and held my tongue when needed. I went shopping today and bought A two new outfits. I didn't want to because in the past it has been painful and unsuccessful, but something told me it was time. I didn't think about the "politics" of it all. D&G are great people and if they really didn't like the outfits they could return or donate them and I'd likely never know. So I bought her what I would if I were her Mom and enjoyed the experience. I talked to the sales clerk about my little girl because in the end, I needed an experience so somehow connect me back to her and let me enjoy being hers for a moment. If I see them on her in pics that will be great, but if not, I got what I needed. I left the therapeutic shopping trip happier and much more light-hearted than I've been in a while.

Musings

I'm really missing A today, as she turns 5 months old. It's hard to watch her age because I feel like the older she gets, the less impact I have on her life. It's hard for me to distinguish grief from anger and I've been struggling to discern what is fair to be angry about and what is simply part of the process that I need to deal with. Sometimes I feel angry that I'm not in her life more; that I am made to be a bigger part of her family, not face-timed with, never get videos made to me but to other family members, that I get shut out when things get rough, that I seem to get the brunt of the frustration sometimes. I know that many parts of that are not fair to be angry about. I chose adoption. I chose to not be her parent, to not be an immediate part of her family. I love that she's doing so well without me because that was my desire, but it's not easy to accept. It's hard to not feel brushed aside and unimportant because my task of growing a human being for someone else is finished. Sometimes I want to scream that I don't care if it's inconvenient, I want to be on the inside. I want to be sure that she knows she's loved by me. I want to know that she knows and loves me. I want to make sure that I don't disappear into the background and one day awkwardly shove myself back in when she has questions that only I can answer.

I know that this is a difficult time and that it will only get better. I have been told many times that the first year is the hardest and I can see why. Placing a child for adoption is difficult in and of itself, but add in the difficult of navigating a new relationship with her parents and it's ridiculous. There are no set rules, no norms to follow, no book to read. There's no way to know if any step is right on my part of if any move on their part is fair to me or right for A. I know that in time we'll settle into our roles and develop our rules as to how this thing should run. I'll learn to find my voice and know when it's appropriate to advocate it. A will get older and learn to love me on her own, and one day we will be a sort of odd, magical family of our on.

When that happens, I won't need anyone else to validate my significance. I'll learn to stand on my own feet and not need to selfishly feel that significance. I know that I chose adoption for A. I know that that was the last decision I got to make for her before handing those reigns over. I am happy beyond words that my baby girl is happy and safe and as she should be, but that doesn't stop my heart from yearning. Her little body was built inside of mine and every fiber of my being fights to maintain that connection no matter how hard I beg it to let go. SO no, my desires may not be fair. No, my anger may not be warranted. No, I may not need to be such a significant role in her life and yes, maybe I should loosen my grip of her. I rationally accept that, but the thing is it's going to take time. Time will heal these wounds and ease my anger. Time will fill my life with more and more joy that has already made the pain far more manageable that I had anticipated. In the meantime, I just hope those involved can find it in themselves to bear with me and show some compassion.

Inspiration

So much has happened that I can't even share. Let it suffice to say that I've struggled the past few days more than I have since the very early days where I existed in a deep fog of pain. Maya Angelou's death shocked and saddened me today, but reading over some of my favorite quotes from her has lent a great deal of inspiration. Of course, I have to share a few:

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

"Nothing can dim the light which shines from within."

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."

"You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'"

What a wise woman she was. I'm going to be OK- I'm strong and have been blessed with an incredible support system and an amazing God that gives me everything I need when I don't have an ounce of strength, decorum, or joy left of my own accord.

I don't mean to be so vague, but my blog has elicited more views than I anticipated and therefore can't be the venting place I had planned. I'm OK with that because I feel like it is going to become so much more than I had hoped. I will say that adoption is hard for everyone involved. We all have moments where it's harder and sometimes those moments affect others in significant ways. The key is in trusting that these challenges are temporary and will one day be forgotten. Oh, faith- it's time to work on that lesson some more.

The hardest parts

For me, some of the hardest moments to navigate in this life of a birthmom are the ones when I have to find the fine line between getting my emotional needs met and respecting others. How much do I lean on and vent to my family and friends? When D is late with an update or pics, is it worth stressing her out when it feels like the elephant sitting on my chest won't be moving until I'm looking at a picture of my sweet girl? I'm blessed with an amazing relationship with A's adoptive family, but even that doesn't come without struggles. D is amazing but she can't possibly understand my hurt or struggles. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I need to "buck up" and not be so needy, as if I'm allowing myself to have these weak moments. I try to be conscious of how very hectic her life is, but I can't put myself in her shoes any more than she can mine. There are times when life with a colicky baby and hectic work schedule get busy and the weekly picture time comes and goes. Occasionally, times like now when it's now at the two week mark with nothing but promises to send some. I'm sitting here dying a little inside but trying not to add to her chaos and trying to remember the thousand good moments between the ones like this one. I wish I could just turn off the pain so that I'm not such a nuisance anymore.

Birthfather

I spent most of my pregnancy angry at A's birthfather. I think I was partly angry at him for not being more careful, angry that he got to go on with life as if nothing ever happened while I had to deal with constant responsibility and pain, and angry that he didn't seem to care. His first answer was abortion, so I think I never forgave him for that and used it as an excuse to shut him out. He was the sperm donor, not her father. I rarely spoke to him throughout the pregnancy and saw him only a few times. I chose the agency and parents, and he only met D&G after signing away his parental rights at the hospital. He didn't even want to meet A but agreed to it shortly before her birth because I had asked so little of him. When I went into labor I texted him and I think he changed at that moment. Things were real at that point, and he began texting me and offering to be there and support me in any way possible. I didn't have the energy to deal with him when I was so focused on getting A out safely, but he came to the hospital that night to meet her when no one else was there. In that moment, I forgave everything. I could see the love and heartbreak in his eyes as he looked at his daughter for the first time. He was too scared to hold her at first, but then he didn't want to let her go. He sent me a text that night asking me to forgive him for not being a "better man." He apologized for not being there and thanked me for bringing such a beautiful thing into this world. He regretted not doing more for us.

The thing was, he didn't feel a person growing inside him. He had no way of understanding the severity and depth of our reality until he met A. He wasn't necessarily a bad guy, just a clueless one. Singing away his parental rights was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he did it because he was a Dad and chose to put her needs above his own. He's told me since that he actually wants a child before, something he never expected to happen. He wishes he had gotten his act together the moment we found out I was pregnant so that we could have kept her. The truth it, that wouldn't have changed anything. I would have still been a nursing student and nanny and missed most of her waking hours. We wouldn't have been together as a couple so she still would have had a single Mom. We still wouldn't have had the resources to give her what she needs. He admits that she has an amazing life with truly incredible parents, but I am shocked at what being her father has done to him.

For a while I refused to call him her birth father and instead called him her biological father like a sperm donor. I'm so glad that I put A's well-being before my own resentment and invited him to the hospital twice to spend time with her. I'm glad that I kept him in the loop throughout the pregnancy and spoke to him after placement so I could genuinely tell her how much he loves her and relay the sweet things he says one day.  He hasn't expressed any desire to see her because I think his way of grieving requires separation, which is perfect because he is still young and wild and into a scene D, G, and I don't want her exposed to. I don't know what his future relationship with A will look like, but I'm optimistic that there will be one. I'm also thankful for laws to protect birthfathers. They can lack support and be difficult to deal with, but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve rights when it comes to their children.

Big Breath... It's Mother's Day

Well, my D-Day of sorts has arrived. So far I'm in one piece. I'll be honest, I'm sitting here pumping and DREADING church. I'm dreading the inevitable request for Moms to stand. What do I do? I don't want to hear the talk about the impact a mother has on her child's life, because I know I won't have that same impact on mine. I wish I had my beautiful girl in my arms to show off proudly with a look of "Yes, I DID create this incredible being and get to be her grounding cord each and every day!" Instead I'll focus on the fact that I gave her the ultimate gift as a Mom by putting her needs above my own. I'll remember the smiles she gave me at our visit yesterday and the way she wanted me to hold her, feed her, and put her down instead of her nanny; the way her eyes locked widely onto mine while she kept trying to be with me instead of sleeping until I finally put her happily down in her crib. My daughter is happy and cherished. She loves and remembers me. What incredible gifts.

I choose to focus on God's amazing healing power. People often tell me how strong I am to have made such a difficult decision, and to find so much joy in the aftermath. The truth is I am so, so weak. God has given all the wisdom and perspective I've needed to be so very happy. A is the best thing I've done with my life and it gives me so much joy to be a part of that.