Inspiration

So much has happened that I can't even share. Let it suffice to say that I've struggled the past few days more than I have since the very early days where I existed in a deep fog of pain. Maya Angelou's death shocked and saddened me today, but reading over some of my favorite quotes from her has lent a great deal of inspiration. Of course, I have to share a few:

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."

"Nothing can dim the light which shines from within."

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."

"You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'"

What a wise woman she was. I'm going to be OK- I'm strong and have been blessed with an incredible support system and an amazing God that gives me everything I need when I don't have an ounce of strength, decorum, or joy left of my own accord.

I don't mean to be so vague, but my blog has elicited more views than I anticipated and therefore can't be the venting place I had planned. I'm OK with that because I feel like it is going to become so much more than I had hoped. I will say that adoption is hard for everyone involved. We all have moments where it's harder and sometimes those moments affect others in significant ways. The key is in trusting that these challenges are temporary and will one day be forgotten. Oh, faith- it's time to work on that lesson some more.

It really does get better

Sometimes people just say things like that, but I want to be the voice of hope to tell birthmoms everywhere that it really does get better. I've had some low lows and I'm sure will have more, but like is looking great right now. I'm in school to chase my true dreams I've so long been afraid to chase. I'm moving to a new apartment this weekend. I'm at a great place in my relationship with D&G. I'm not struggling with my feelings of anger or jealousy- just love for what they've given A and I. I'm happy with my relationship with A. I love that we actually have a relationship and bond. I think during some of my darker days I was so distracted with my anger and grief to see this amazing thing right in front of me. It's not something obvious yet, but it's in little things like the fact that she lets me hold her longer than anyone else except D&G, or the feeling of deep connect I feel when we're staring into each other's eyes. She's even growing to look more and more like me every day, which provides some sort of gratification for me.

My message to all birth moms is that it's hard and painful to be involved in adoption, but the good far outweighs the bad. Know that your rough moments are temporary and focus on the good of it all- which will look different for everyone. When I have lows it's only torture to compare myself to other birthmoms and my adoption to other adoptions. It even hurts to think of the great life I gave A by choosing adoption for her. It does help to focus on how strong I am as well as other goof parts of my personality (which is hard for me). I focus on my future and everything I'm going to accomplish like me pre-req's, then my BSN, then becoming a Nurse practitioner, then becoming part of a practice where I can practice functional medicine for pediatrics. I also focus on one day having a house full of babies that call me Mommy- a baby happily nursing in a k'tan on me all day. Find your happy place, and cling to it for dear life while it pulls you out of your dark place, because boy does life look good on the other side.

Now, to get some work finished for class and begin packing.