Let's talk about S.E.X... and the Birth of a Family

I knew that A's birth would be magical, a game-changer. I envisioned it growing a family with D&G. I even hoped that it would create a family with the four of us (it has). What I didn't envision was the family it created with her birthfather. Our relationship's evolution has amazing me. I hated him for knocking me up, for not being careful (I mean really, you had one job, dude), for carrying on with his life unphased while mine shattered around me. For not wanting her.

The thing is, I've always been a "good girl." I never had sex in high school and college, rarely drank, gave my all to please everyone. In fact, I was a worship leader when I conceived A. It was selfishness, stupidity, and passion that lead to it. Drinks were involved, but mostly it was about wanting wild and uninhibited sex. I've distantly known A's birthfather for years (nothing romantic) and knew that he had been interested in me, so in a way he was every bit the victim I was. We could play naive, but we both knew where things were headed that night. Took me a while to admit that. And it's not like I stopped things to ask if he had on a condom. I was "wild and uninhibited," remember? Oy. I can hardly blame him for destroying my carefully laid image anymore.

Then there's the wanting her part. What else can you expect from a guy that you randomly hooked up with and didn't speak to for weeks until you told him you were pretty sure his child was growing inside you? A 21-year old guy, at that. He was terrified and overwhelmed and saw his life flashing before his eyes. I wasn't warm and fuzzy toward him, so he stayed away and I let him. He couldn't feel her dancing inside like I could or see her little feet on the ultrasound, so it wasn't real. He didn't call, text, or help with birth and adoption plans because he couldn't see it.

To his credit, he tried to respond when I reached out. He completed paperwork for the agency. When I went into labor he apparently became a wreck. He waited patiently until I invited him to see her hours after she was born (he wasn't sure he even wanted to but agreed because I asked while pregnant). At that point. everything changed. He fell in love with her a way he never imagined and the way he looked at her was something I'll never forget. It was time to nurse her, so I did. He watched me with such awe, and recently told me that it was the moment he realized he'd made a big mistake. He wanted both of us in his life forever, but loved her and I enough to admit adoption was best for us all. He met D&G the next day, spent time singing to A, and forever signed away his parental rights. I remember being a total bitch to him for being late. I obviously didn't get that things had changed.

He's yet to see A since then because of how deeply is rocked him to the core. He lost it for a while and it took months to find himself again, Now, he is ten times the man I ever imagined he could be. He is doing things with his life because of his daughter. We speak occasionally, and he finally admitted that he wants to see A but is scared. Scared D&G won't forgive his mistakes and allow it, scared that she won't love him. They're actually thrilled at the prospect of him also explaining that he chose this because He loves her so deeply, and I assured him that something engrained deep within her with create a deep bond between them. He is in on the google doc updates and snapfish pics now, and we are planning our first visit together, His level of involvement won't be anything like mine- maybe one or two a year we're thinking, but I am honestly blown away at the way things have turned out.


First and foremost, D, G, and A are family. But A, her birthfather, and myself will always be family (not exclusive of them) as well. I'll always check in on him and pray for the best in his life. He'll always be there for me, and we'll always love each other in the deep way you only can when you create a human being together and choose to put her well-being above your own. We're her birthfamily.

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A,

I love you. J loves you. We may not have made the best choices, but neither of us regret them one bit because they made you. You're the best thing we've done in either of our lives, and we will always love, adore, and admire you. We may not be the very best of people, but I can assure you that we gave you the very best of us at that time. Please forgive the hurt I know you one day will feel when you better grasp your conception and the full meaning behind adoption. We didn't easily terminate our rights to parent you. WE WANTED YOU. We will always want and miss you, and I hope the love that surrounds you will ease some of that pain. You've restored our lives and hearts and made them worth something. Thank you. God knew what he was doing when he entrusted you to us to grow for your Mom and Dad. Trust in that throughout life- God's plan for you is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.

love always,

C&J

Birthfather

I spent most of my pregnancy angry at A's birthfather. I think I was partly angry at him for not being more careful, angry that he got to go on with life as if nothing ever happened while I had to deal with constant responsibility and pain, and angry that he didn't seem to care. His first answer was abortion, so I think I never forgave him for that and used it as an excuse to shut him out. He was the sperm donor, not her father. I rarely spoke to him throughout the pregnancy and saw him only a few times. I chose the agency and parents, and he only met D&G after signing away his parental rights at the hospital. He didn't even want to meet A but agreed to it shortly before her birth because I had asked so little of him. When I went into labor I texted him and I think he changed at that moment. Things were real at that point, and he began texting me and offering to be there and support me in any way possible. I didn't have the energy to deal with him when I was so focused on getting A out safely, but he came to the hospital that night to meet her when no one else was there. In that moment, I forgave everything. I could see the love and heartbreak in his eyes as he looked at his daughter for the first time. He was too scared to hold her at first, but then he didn't want to let her go. He sent me a text that night asking me to forgive him for not being a "better man." He apologized for not being there and thanked me for bringing such a beautiful thing into this world. He regretted not doing more for us.

The thing was, he didn't feel a person growing inside him. He had no way of understanding the severity and depth of our reality until he met A. He wasn't necessarily a bad guy, just a clueless one. Singing away his parental rights was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he did it because he was a Dad and chose to put her needs above his own. He's told me since that he actually wants a child before, something he never expected to happen. He wishes he had gotten his act together the moment we found out I was pregnant so that we could have kept her. The truth it, that wouldn't have changed anything. I would have still been a nursing student and nanny and missed most of her waking hours. We wouldn't have been together as a couple so she still would have had a single Mom. We still wouldn't have had the resources to give her what she needs. He admits that she has an amazing life with truly incredible parents, but I am shocked at what being her father has done to him.

For a while I refused to call him her birth father and instead called him her biological father like a sperm donor. I'm so glad that I put A's well-being before my own resentment and invited him to the hospital twice to spend time with her. I'm glad that I kept him in the loop throughout the pregnancy and spoke to him after placement so I could genuinely tell her how much he loves her and relay the sweet things he says one day.  He hasn't expressed any desire to see her because I think his way of grieving requires separation, which is perfect because he is still young and wild and into a scene D, G, and I don't want her exposed to. I don't know what his future relationship with A will look like, but I'm optimistic that there will be one. I'm also thankful for laws to protect birthfathers. They can lack support and be difficult to deal with, but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve rights when it comes to their children.