Let's talk about S.E.X... and the Birth of a Family

I knew that A's birth would be magical, a game-changer. I envisioned it growing a family with D&G. I even hoped that it would create a family with the four of us (it has). What I didn't envision was the family it created with her birthfather. Our relationship's evolution has amazing me. I hated him for knocking me up, for not being careful (I mean really, you had one job, dude), for carrying on with his life unphased while mine shattered around me. For not wanting her.

The thing is, I've always been a "good girl." I never had sex in high school and college, rarely drank, gave my all to please everyone. In fact, I was a worship leader when I conceived A. It was selfishness, stupidity, and passion that lead to it. Drinks were involved, but mostly it was about wanting wild and uninhibited sex. I've distantly known A's birthfather for years (nothing romantic) and knew that he had been interested in me, so in a way he was every bit the victim I was. We could play naive, but we both knew where things were headed that night. Took me a while to admit that. And it's not like I stopped things to ask if he had on a condom. I was "wild and uninhibited," remember? Oy. I can hardly blame him for destroying my carefully laid image anymore.

Then there's the wanting her part. What else can you expect from a guy that you randomly hooked up with and didn't speak to for weeks until you told him you were pretty sure his child was growing inside you? A 21-year old guy, at that. He was terrified and overwhelmed and saw his life flashing before his eyes. I wasn't warm and fuzzy toward him, so he stayed away and I let him. He couldn't feel her dancing inside like I could or see her little feet on the ultrasound, so it wasn't real. He didn't call, text, or help with birth and adoption plans because he couldn't see it.

To his credit, he tried to respond when I reached out. He completed paperwork for the agency. When I went into labor he apparently became a wreck. He waited patiently until I invited him to see her hours after she was born (he wasn't sure he even wanted to but agreed because I asked while pregnant). At that point. everything changed. He fell in love with her a way he never imagined and the way he looked at her was something I'll never forget. It was time to nurse her, so I did. He watched me with such awe, and recently told me that it was the moment he realized he'd made a big mistake. He wanted both of us in his life forever, but loved her and I enough to admit adoption was best for us all. He met D&G the next day, spent time singing to A, and forever signed away his parental rights. I remember being a total bitch to him for being late. I obviously didn't get that things had changed.

He's yet to see A since then because of how deeply is rocked him to the core. He lost it for a while and it took months to find himself again, Now, he is ten times the man I ever imagined he could be. He is doing things with his life because of his daughter. We speak occasionally, and he finally admitted that he wants to see A but is scared. Scared D&G won't forgive his mistakes and allow it, scared that she won't love him. They're actually thrilled at the prospect of him also explaining that he chose this because He loves her so deeply, and I assured him that something engrained deep within her with create a deep bond between them. He is in on the google doc updates and snapfish pics now, and we are planning our first visit together, His level of involvement won't be anything like mine- maybe one or two a year we're thinking, but I am honestly blown away at the way things have turned out.


First and foremost, D, G, and A are family. But A, her birthfather, and myself will always be family (not exclusive of them) as well. I'll always check in on him and pray for the best in his life. He'll always be there for me, and we'll always love each other in the deep way you only can when you create a human being together and choose to put her well-being above your own. We're her birthfamily.

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A,

I love you. J loves you. We may not have made the best choices, but neither of us regret them one bit because they made you. You're the best thing we've done in either of our lives, and we will always love, adore, and admire you. We may not be the very best of people, but I can assure you that we gave you the very best of us at that time. Please forgive the hurt I know you one day will feel when you better grasp your conception and the full meaning behind adoption. We didn't easily terminate our rights to parent you. WE WANTED YOU. We will always want and miss you, and I hope the love that surrounds you will ease some of that pain. You've restored our lives and hearts and made them worth something. Thank you. God knew what he was doing when he entrusted you to us to grow for your Mom and Dad. Trust in that throughout life- God's plan for you is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.

love always,

C&J

My heart just might explode from happiness

I had my visit with A yesterday, and it was perfection. She was loving and once again remembered me. She wanted me to hold her and when I did, she wrapped her little 9-month-old arms around me, laid her head on me, and held my hand. She is truly an exquisite child and I can't believe I brought her into the world. This visit affirmed everything amazing about open adoption. My daughter is in loving, capable hands and being given everything in life I wanted for her. D and I talked for hours, cried, laughed, and connected in a way only we can. We have a bond forged by the intense maternal love we share, similar feelings of loss, and appreciation for the gifts we have given each other. I will forever be grateful to her for all she'd given to A, and to me in allowing me to make the most of my life and become the best version of me I can be.

We made plans to facetime around the holidays and have a big Christmas family celebration with all my family. She even once again reminded me that if I were ever in town I could stop by and see them. I love the relationship I have with D, the special bond and relationship I have with A, and the feeling of being complete family with them. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more in this situation, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

This journey has been hard and painful, but I'm thankful for it. I've seen blessing after blessing as God has used what could have been a terrible situation to bring about miracles in many lives. I don't want to imagine my life without A and even without adoption. Reaching out to other birthmoms, opening up about my story, and recently taking steps to begin a birthmother support group have been healing for me. God's guidance and being painfully honest and open with D&G has allowed us to develop the relationship we have, even after a very painful rough patch that I was sure was the death of our relationship.

I love my daughter. I wish I could hold her like that all day every day, but I am happy with the way things have turned out. I can believe I created such a wonderful, magical thing.

Isolation

Right now, the hardest part of this journey for me is the isolation. I have positive feelings when I think of A, her family, and her adoption. I even think positively of her birthfather. Being a birthmother has forever changed me in a way that someone who is not a birthparent can't get. I carry it with me at all times, silently shaping the way I see the world. Being that I'm not struggling with any particular aspect of the adoption, I can't pinpoint a topic to work through as I did through the stages of grief. Instead, I sometimes find myself to be an outsider compared to the rest of the world who has no idea what it feels like to willingly lose the opportunity to parent a child. They don't understand how I could be so happy over the way things have gone yet grieve at the same time. No one else comprehends the fact that A is constantly on my mind when they ask if I ever go a day without thinking about her. How could I, when being her birth mother is an integral part of WHO I am- it pulses through my veins and influences my every thought. This is not a bad thing, nor does it make me sad. It simply sets me apart from the majority of society.  I make friends and enjoy their company, and for the most part do not feel alone. This is the best way I know how to explain that I am rarely lonely but often isolated. Do I regret my decision? Not for one second. Am I happy? More than ever in my life. I'm simply learning how to navigate life with this still new and confusing burden.

Dear birthmother letter... from a birthmom

First, I would like to correct some terms and call it a "Dear expectant mom" letter. A woman is an expectant mom, and then a mom until the moment she terminates her parental rights. THEN and only then is she a birthmom. No matter how certain she is about placement, I believe that it is (mostly accidentally) coercion to call a pregnant woman a birthmom.Second, D and G have decided to start the process to adopt again. They asked if I would be comfortable writing a letter to go with theirs to prospective birthmoms, and I of course agreed. I believe in adoption 100%. It gave so many people the very best in life, and the joy far overshadows the pain involved. I want A to have a sibling desperately, and I know the timing needs to be soon. SO- here it is, rough draft at least.

Dear Expectant Mom,

First, please know that I am praying for you and my heart aches for the painful decision you’re making. I remember being there, and I know that no one completely gets what you’re going through. I know people keep telling you how much they respect you for making such a selfless decision, and you probably don’t know that to do with that; I didn’t and still don’t. But I will tell you this: creating my daughter, giving birth to her, choosing adoption, and choosing D and G to be her parents has been the best thing I’ve done with my life. Every picture I get, update I read, and visit I have with her reaffirms that by choosing adoption, I have given her everything I imagined but couldn’t do for her. She is happy, and she has a Mom and Dad that love her more than life itself and are always present for her.It warms my heart to see the adoration in A’s eyes for her Daddy and the way she lights up when he enters the room. I love seeing all the time that D spends with her and knowing that when she needed it, D was willing and able to take a sabbatical from work to care for her. These are things I couldn’t have done for her. I love that D makes all her organic food from scratch and puts hours of research into providing A the best educational material, the most up-to-date safety precautions, the most non-toxic products, the healthiest food choices.

All that to say, I love D and G. We have become family. You can rest assured that if trust them with your baby, they will follow through with what they say. The early days of adoption aren’t easy for anyone involved, but they stuck by me to work out the fantastic relationship we have now. They have always put A before themselves, which is all I think I could ask for as a birthmom.

I pray that A gets a sibling, and know that adoption is the route for that to happen. In the darkest days of my life my siblings have been a source of strength and unconditional love and friendship. I know that when our parents are gone I will have them, and I want that so desperately for A. She lights up around other children and is so happy laughing, playing, and loving on them.

I want you to know that should you choose adoption for your baby and choose this family for him or her, you will gain their entire family. You can know from experience that they will stay true to their word. You’ll also gain me as a friend and confidant so that you don’t have to go through it alone. Your baby will be loved beyond what you can imagine and given every opportunity you could ask for. He or she will have an older sister with more love than I’ve ever seen in a child, and will never live life alone.

with love,

C

Love is such an inadequate word

I saw A Sunday, which was of course amazing. It had been two months this time- 9 weeks to be exact. Every time the stretch of time without her gets longer, it certainly grows me as a person. I'm hoping to maintain monthly visits until she's at least a year, but I know that just like this time that may not always be practical with our schedules.

A is sitting up on her own and wants to constantly be standing with assistance, though she can pull herself up a bit. She took to me quickly and we played and snuggled and laughed together for a few hours. She let me give her kisses and snuggle her tightly, which she apparently only does with D&G. She didn't fuss for D at all, but relaxed into my arms and touched my face, my hair, my locket. She wanted to look at my face, and "chatted" happily while we were together. I love little things like this that prove that she remembers me. No matter what, we will always have an unbreakable bond. Our relationship with continue to grow, and this will be one very loved child.

She's incredibly beautiful. She is advanced well beyond her age. Part of that is just her being a bright child. The other part is being in a home with parents that have the time and resourced and love to foster and encourage her intelligence. She is affectionate and funny, making little jokes and laughing at them. I recorded myself reading a book and gave it to her, so she intently listened to it with obvious pleasure. She grinned at the pandas on it, and laughed when her hands made a squeaking sound on the paper. When D tucked her into bed, I could hear her crying because she wasn't ready to say goodbye. I of course melted at the bottom of the stairs to once again be saying goodbye to my daughter, and to hear her crying for me for the first time. I have to say, though, it's so reassuring to see that she does truly want me in her life. This affirms that open adoption was the right option and is best for her. She calmed down and was ultimately happy to be in her Mommy's arms.

It's amazing to me that the same word used to describe this sometimes overwhelming affection I have for my daughter is used to describe one's affection for Pumpkin Spice Latte or a football team. Love doesn't begin to describe this feeling that lights up my life and gives it the kind of meaning one dreams of finding in life. It inspires me to be more, to make a difference in the world because I now know that I can. I'm so blessed to watch this beautiful little girl grow up. She's such a joy.

When did I start feeling normal again?

Somewhere along my path of grief, fear, joy, and change, I started feeling "normal" again. Now, I'm not one to typically be a fan of normal. I have always been told growing up that normal is for those who are afraid to be themselves, and I agree. But it takes a toll on one's mental health to constantly work to be happy, to not fall apart, and to always feel like you are not 100% human anymore because you have lived through something no one around you has. Even the best adoptions result in PTSD- hospitals, babies, pregnancy, and a myriad of triggers specific to you and your baby are not safe for a while. And this is not normal. How do you carry a normal conversation with a 20-something whose biggest concern is whether this passive-aggressive status on facebook is indeed directed at her when you just grew a human and then sent her home to a new Mommy? It's tough at first, and you feel a level of confidence that it will always be this way. The best solace you find is that triggers no longer send you into a tailspin. They now instead feel like someone sitting on your chest, which is much more manageable. So you hope that in time it will feel more like a squeeze and you'll get better at faking normalcy. But you know what? You don't. The pain does lessen. Sometimes, it's a squeeze. Sometimes it's an elephant on your chest, but this happens less and less. Sometimes it's fond thoughts when you see a book your daughter would love.  One day, you realize out of nowhere that you are a real person again! You have joy... so much joy in your life.  You have relationships and a life of your own, and you aren't faking it any more. You have menial concerns again like that jerk at starbucks that gets your order wrong every. time. Oh, and you're a birthmom, which is pretty awesome because you grew an amazing little person who loves you and made a family where there was before hurt. So your family is bigger now, and life goes on.

Ways to help birthmom

I recently posted this to a forum I'm on, and decided to share here, too. If you are considering adoption or have adopted, these are things you can do to help ease the grief of your child's birthmom and give her some joy:

1. Lots of pics, esp. of LO. Fam pics are nice sometimes to see how happy everyone is, but I like mostly pics of LO because it gives me joy to stare into her face.

2. As detailed updates as you can handle. I love knowing her sleep schedule, what she's eating, how her health is, and what milestones she's reaching. It helps me feel like I'm not missing everything.

3. A memento. A's Mom gave me a locket with her initials monogrammed on the back. It was discreet so I could avoid questions, but I had a piece of her with me everywhere I went. I love it even now. She also got me an engraved picture frame with a pic of A, which I love. I recommend the locket above any other gift. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, either. But I would have never been able to afford even a cheap locket and wouldn't have something like that for myself.

4. Thank her. Let her know if you're grateful for her, and why. A lot of the pain of being a birthmom is the guilt of feeling like a burden. She'll hopefully thank you for giving her LO everything.

5. Sometimes, space. Sometimes, contact hurts too much. Sometimes we need a bit of space to get ourselves back together. Please don't get angry or give up on her. Keep doing what you normally do, and in time she'll hopefully come around. It's so important for her to know that's it's OK to have space and that the door will still be open when she's ready.

6. Patience and forgiveness. I know this is very hard on you, too. She knows and respects that, but sometimes being a birthmom takes every bit of your being and you don't have much left over for everyone else. She may say or do things to offend you, so please know that it's not intentional. She'll probably realize it later and beat herself up for it. Doesn't mean you can't lovingly say something, but patience is so huge. I want to do nothing but love and support and help A's Mom, but I know quite often I HAVE been a burden to her and have said things not realizing they would hurt. She's done the same, and I've used all the patience I could to work through it and get to the fantastic place we're in now.

Figuring it All Out

It's been a good week. It started with seeing my sweet A. I keep thinking about that big smile on her face as soon as she saw me. I smile every time I think about her "talking" to me, touching my face, and demanding I talk to her. I take solace in the way she is relaxed and happy with me in a way we usually only see with D&G.

It has been a very productive week in the world of work and school. Best of all, I feel like we're finally getting into a groove with this whole birthmom relationship. It started with us all so very close, texting daily, keeping me in the loop of every little detail, and D probably having some resentment at the level of energy that took away from her. I can only imagine what it took from her to update me constantly, worry about how I'm doing, worry about how the things she said and did affected me, and tackle the world of new motherhood. I'm eternally grateful she did, because it's what I needed that the time. I didn't feel such a severe cutoff from the little life that had grown inside my body for 9 months. A large part of our closeness was necessitated by the fact that I pumped breastmilk for A, because we had to keep in regular contact about milk supply and meet up dates. That did, after all, completely overtake my life. I was pumping every 2-3 hours around that clock. That meant sleeping 2 hours at a time and pumping in the car if I was brave enough to go anywhere. I was also a slow pumper, so about 9 hours of my day was devoted to pumping breastmilk for a child I didn't have to hold.

The problem came in transitioning away from this. It was a lot like ripping off a bandaid for me, except there were about 200 to be ripped off. Needless to say, we've all struggled in finding our places in each other's lives. We've had to learn what was OK, what our boundaries and roles are, and how those affected the other people involved. Needless to say, some hard feelings have been had. Finally, FINALLY, I think we've figured it out for the large part. I no longer text with the fear that I'm pushing too much, asking too much, being a burden. I longer fear that lack of response will make them think I need space and disappear.
Just yesterday I was texting A about research on organic formula I'd found and we somehow wound up in one of our old "love -fests" that made our relationship so remarkable in the beginning. What's happened is we've rediscovered our love, admiration, and appreciation for each-other. We're once again a team working together for A, but we've learned how our own lives fit into that.

Honestly, the hardest part of adoption many days is not my actual daughter. I know she's well, happy, and loved. She knows that I love her and it's very obvious at our visits that she loves me. The fear comes in the relationship with her parents. Fear of being cut off, fear of not being wanted, fear of being resented, fear of not being allowed to truly be part of the family. When you have an open adoption you have to work diligently to get passed those, but when you do, it's a beautiful thing. I feel a lot less pain now than I have in a while. I once again can think of her with a smile on my face.

Considering Egg Donation

I had a visit with A today, which was amazing (as always!). I also always enjoy the quality time and chatting with D. Today, she asked me about potentially donating eggs for them. I've thought about surrogacy since having A but decided it would be too much on me. I like the idea of donating eggs and want to do it for several reasons. It would almost guarantee that A got a sibling. It would be neat that A would have a sibling that shared her genetics. It would make me so happy for D to get to experience a happy pregnancy and giving birth to her baby. It's much cheaper than adoption, which means more money for A's future. I do have some questions I need to research and think through. I wonder if it would be hard to have another child biologically linked to me but not mine out there. I wonder how that relationship would be with me being A's birth mom. I feel like my family would not be crazy about there being another genetic link out there that's not "theirs" like a child of my own would. It's so different from adoption because this child would not be grown inside of me and would be started from day 1 with the mentality of being someone else's.

I also wonder about the logistics- how would I handle the hormones? How would I manage the testing, medications, frequent office visits, and procedure while being a full-time student AND nanny. Also, could I afford the time off work for all this? I wouldn't take money from D&G because I want to purely donate my eggs, but I have to make sure I can manage with all my bills. If I decide I can do it but not manage the financial hit, then what?

Sheesh, lots of questions! It seems so crazy and out of this world, but also seems kind of perfect. It may not even be a thing if they get pregnant on their own or decide to go the route of adoption again. I can't help but wonder if this has ever happened before.

Hmm...

It's Final

Today the adoption was finalized. I knew it was coming and have been bracing myself for it. I feel like it further secures that I'm no longer A's Mom, and that hurts deeply. I don't want to take back the adoption, but my heart longs to still be a Mom to her. I'm also comforted by finalization because it secures her in the home I chose for her forever. She has an amazing Mom and Dad, and I'm happy they are officially a family forever. Oh, the mixed emotions. I never thought I could be so happy and sad at the same time. It's so ironic that this had to happen on Good Friday... of all days.

Oh, A. I love you with everything I am. I hope you know that. I hope they tell you every day. I hope they read the book I got you every single day so you'll never doubt that. I hope your heart is so full of joy with your family that you never hurt over not being home with me. I hope that I'll always be a part of your family and that the future doesn't take away this amazing relationship we are developing. I hope that you don't one day hate me for giving you up, because I did it to give you so much more. I will always cherish those days in the hospital when you were my baby girl, and I was your Mommy, when I could give you everything you needed, when the world was you and me. I hope you always know how beautiful, smart, funny, and strong you are. We made an amazing team, and I hope this journey in life allows us to be a team as we navigate both of our roles and grief.

love always,

Mommy

Gosh, it feels good to call myself that.