Space

It's funny... the further I get into life as a birthmom, the less I want to do with it. The better half of my first year I wanted to talk about it constantly. I would have screamed it from rooftops if it were socially acceptable (not that I'm too big on being socially acceptable, but I have my limitations). I talked about boundaries being great, but honestly wanted nothing to do with them. I wanted to be with A all day every day. I needed pictures and updates constantly and got angry and hurt when I didn't get them. I HAD to know when my next visit was and started to wither inside when I didn't.

Now... I don't know. It's not that I love A any less or want to be a smaller part of her life. But sometimes I need space from the adoption world. My little world has evolved to so much more than her. I have a life of my own, something that I was encouraged to do for so long. Something I HAD to do. But no one warned me that a life of my own would have less space for her in it- that the two are very hard to coexist. She is and always will be a part of my life, which I am so deeply thankful for. I love her and am happy I made the right choice for both of us, but it's hard to be so deeply involved in your child's life when you're not her Mom. It has to be this compartmentalized segment of your life that you choose to not leave open constantly for your own survival and happiness. I resisted the phrase birth daughter for so long, but I'm beginning to find space for it in my life. She will always be my daughter, but it is different from the daughter I will one day parent. So birth daughter seems more and more appropriate.

I think a part of this comes as she is less and less mine and more and more D & G's. She has been theirs for a long time in my mind, but she was more "ours." Now, she has been with them longer than she was with me, They know her more and she couldn't thrive without them. I love that and am exceedingly thankful for it, but that realization also comes with another- it's time to allow myself to thrive without her constant presence. I am more than a birth mother, just as she is more than just my birth daughter. I don't know when our next visit it, and I'm ok with that. Finally, D and I are both on the same page of figuring it out as we go and seeing what feels best for all of us.

I found myself putting off the birth mother support group more and more because I just needed space. I do want to keep up with it, but maybe quarterly instead of monthly. Same with posting on here. I find myself needing it less and less, but feeling like I should update just in case someone reads it and might benefit. I realize this may seem sad, but I feel peace. I'm truly happy because this is a huge sign of progress and healing. I'm moving forward in my life.

A year of growth

I've been MIA for a while. My life has changed dramatically over the past few months- more on that to follow later. I think mostly, I haven't felt felt the need to blog to heal because I have felt so much of that. I want to blog anyway so that I can go back to see my journey and so that maybe it can help someone else.


One year ago Tuesday my water broke at my best friend's house. I called A's parents, drove home, packed my bags, showered, and headed to the hospital to begin the biggest journey of my life. I can't help but cry thinking about it and my naivety, but not necessarily from sadness. I was oblivious to the next 33 hours of labor about to occur, followed by the most incredible feeling of love I didn't know my heart could feel. 

One year ago Thursday A made her entrance into this world. I remember hearing her wails as her Dad caught her and laid her on my chest. She stopped crying as soon as she heard my voice and snuggled into me, the first sign of this crazy bond we have. I remember how it felt when she latched on and began nursing like we had done this our whole lives. It felt amazing to continue to sustain her life with nutrition and love. Her little hand locked around her Mom's finger while I nursed her, and her Dad stared with such deep love. I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea the depth of pain I would feel in giving away my right to be this beautiful girl's Mommy as well as the overwhelming joy I feel every day to be in her life. I can't believe I played a part in giving that amazing child life. 

A is so incredibly happy, loved, and cared for. I feel honored that I also played a part in making that happen for her. Why I, of all people, was blessed with her I will never fully understand. But I thank God for it. I'm happy for the family that has grown over this year. A's Mom sent me saying "It is a very happy week. One year ago you brought a new life into this world and healed my broken heart. It's a week to celebrate." One of the many reasons I love her.

Lastly, I am amazed at the healing I've felt in one year. I do grieve the loss of parenting A, but I feel joy when I think of her much, much more than anything else. My anger has been replaced by gratitude, and my loneliness with love and joy.

Tomorrow is one year since I signed the papers to terminate my parental rights. My heart is filled with happiness as well as some sadness as the loss of being her Mommy. I think of her snuggling her Mom and Dad and sister and the amazing life ahead of her thanks to our teamwork. Adoption is such a bittersweet miracle.

Let's talk about S.E.X... and the Birth of a Family

I knew that A's birth would be magical, a game-changer. I envisioned it growing a family with D&G. I even hoped that it would create a family with the four of us (it has). What I didn't envision was the family it created with her birthfather. Our relationship's evolution has amazing me. I hated him for knocking me up, for not being careful (I mean really, you had one job, dude), for carrying on with his life unphased while mine shattered around me. For not wanting her.

The thing is, I've always been a "good girl." I never had sex in high school and college, rarely drank, gave my all to please everyone. In fact, I was a worship leader when I conceived A. It was selfishness, stupidity, and passion that lead to it. Drinks were involved, but mostly it was about wanting wild and uninhibited sex. I've distantly known A's birthfather for years (nothing romantic) and knew that he had been interested in me, so in a way he was every bit the victim I was. We could play naive, but we both knew where things were headed that night. Took me a while to admit that. And it's not like I stopped things to ask if he had on a condom. I was "wild and uninhibited," remember? Oy. I can hardly blame him for destroying my carefully laid image anymore.

Then there's the wanting her part. What else can you expect from a guy that you randomly hooked up with and didn't speak to for weeks until you told him you were pretty sure his child was growing inside you? A 21-year old guy, at that. He was terrified and overwhelmed and saw his life flashing before his eyes. I wasn't warm and fuzzy toward him, so he stayed away and I let him. He couldn't feel her dancing inside like I could or see her little feet on the ultrasound, so it wasn't real. He didn't call, text, or help with birth and adoption plans because he couldn't see it.

To his credit, he tried to respond when I reached out. He completed paperwork for the agency. When I went into labor he apparently became a wreck. He waited patiently until I invited him to see her hours after she was born (he wasn't sure he even wanted to but agreed because I asked while pregnant). At that point. everything changed. He fell in love with her a way he never imagined and the way he looked at her was something I'll never forget. It was time to nurse her, so I did. He watched me with such awe, and recently told me that it was the moment he realized he'd made a big mistake. He wanted both of us in his life forever, but loved her and I enough to admit adoption was best for us all. He met D&G the next day, spent time singing to A, and forever signed away his parental rights. I remember being a total bitch to him for being late. I obviously didn't get that things had changed.

He's yet to see A since then because of how deeply is rocked him to the core. He lost it for a while and it took months to find himself again, Now, he is ten times the man I ever imagined he could be. He is doing things with his life because of his daughter. We speak occasionally, and he finally admitted that he wants to see A but is scared. Scared D&G won't forgive his mistakes and allow it, scared that she won't love him. They're actually thrilled at the prospect of him also explaining that he chose this because He loves her so deeply, and I assured him that something engrained deep within her with create a deep bond between them. He is in on the google doc updates and snapfish pics now, and we are planning our first visit together, His level of involvement won't be anything like mine- maybe one or two a year we're thinking, but I am honestly blown away at the way things have turned out.


First and foremost, D, G, and A are family. But A, her birthfather, and myself will always be family (not exclusive of them) as well. I'll always check in on him and pray for the best in his life. He'll always be there for me, and we'll always love each other in the deep way you only can when you create a human being together and choose to put her well-being above your own. We're her birthfamily.

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A,

I love you. J loves you. We may not have made the best choices, but neither of us regret them one bit because they made you. You're the best thing we've done in either of our lives, and we will always love, adore, and admire you. We may not be the very best of people, but I can assure you that we gave you the very best of us at that time. Please forgive the hurt I know you one day will feel when you better grasp your conception and the full meaning behind adoption. We didn't easily terminate our rights to parent you. WE WANTED YOU. We will always want and miss you, and I hope the love that surrounds you will ease some of that pain. You've restored our lives and hearts and made them worth something. Thank you. God knew what he was doing when he entrusted you to us to grow for your Mom and Dad. Trust in that throughout life- God's plan for you is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.

love always,

C&J

My heart just might explode from happiness

I had my visit with A yesterday, and it was perfection. She was loving and once again remembered me. She wanted me to hold her and when I did, she wrapped her little 9-month-old arms around me, laid her head on me, and held my hand. She is truly an exquisite child and I can't believe I brought her into the world. This visit affirmed everything amazing about open adoption. My daughter is in loving, capable hands and being given everything in life I wanted for her. D and I talked for hours, cried, laughed, and connected in a way only we can. We have a bond forged by the intense maternal love we share, similar feelings of loss, and appreciation for the gifts we have given each other. I will forever be grateful to her for all she'd given to A, and to me in allowing me to make the most of my life and become the best version of me I can be.

We made plans to facetime around the holidays and have a big Christmas family celebration with all my family. She even once again reminded me that if I were ever in town I could stop by and see them. I love the relationship I have with D, the special bond and relationship I have with A, and the feeling of being complete family with them. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more in this situation, and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

This journey has been hard and painful, but I'm thankful for it. I've seen blessing after blessing as God has used what could have been a terrible situation to bring about miracles in many lives. I don't want to imagine my life without A and even without adoption. Reaching out to other birthmoms, opening up about my story, and recently taking steps to begin a birthmother support group have been healing for me. God's guidance and being painfully honest and open with D&G has allowed us to develop the relationship we have, even after a very painful rough patch that I was sure was the death of our relationship.

I love my daughter. I wish I could hold her like that all day every day, but I am happy with the way things have turned out. I can believe I created such a wonderful, magical thing.

Isolation

Right now, the hardest part of this journey for me is the isolation. I have positive feelings when I think of A, her family, and her adoption. I even think positively of her birthfather. Being a birthmother has forever changed me in a way that someone who is not a birthparent can't get. I carry it with me at all times, silently shaping the way I see the world. Being that I'm not struggling with any particular aspect of the adoption, I can't pinpoint a topic to work through as I did through the stages of grief. Instead, I sometimes find myself to be an outsider compared to the rest of the world who has no idea what it feels like to willingly lose the opportunity to parent a child. They don't understand how I could be so happy over the way things have gone yet grieve at the same time. No one else comprehends the fact that A is constantly on my mind when they ask if I ever go a day without thinking about her. How could I, when being her birth mother is an integral part of WHO I am- it pulses through my veins and influences my every thought. This is not a bad thing, nor does it make me sad. It simply sets me apart from the majority of society.  I make friends and enjoy their company, and for the most part do not feel alone. This is the best way I know how to explain that I am rarely lonely but often isolated. Do I regret my decision? Not for one second. Am I happy? More than ever in my life. I'm simply learning how to navigate life with this still new and confusing burden.

The ups and downs

The life of a birthmother, like so many others, is full of ups and downs. Lately I have been in a fantastic up-swing. When I think about A I feel only happy feelings and love. I'm thankful for adoption, thankful for D&G, and happy that God saw fit to throw me this curve-ball in life. I love my relationship with D and am thankful she's so open, warm, and loving to me. I'll encourage expectant parents to consider adoption in a heartbeat, and happily support those I know who are pursuing adoption.

I remember reading words similar to these of birthmothers while I was in "down" phase. It made me angry and jealous and I probably felt the opposite of everything stated. Grief is a tricky thing and can easily consume and overwhelm you. I firmly believe it's something that can be controlled. in reality, it's not me vs adoption. Adoption is the blessing that gave my daughter everything she deserves, created parenthood for a broken couple, and gave me a second chance to get life right. It's me vs grief. I've had to learn to recognize the sign of grief when they sneak in as atypical symptoms such as anger, fear, feeling of insufficiency, and much more. I then have had to learn to dissect these feelings as I can only overcome them by getting to the root and solvin the problems in my head. The intangibility of grief makes it even tricker. It's not something I can actively fix so I seek problems I think could be causing my hurt instead. I might blame my feelings on D not calling me often because that's something I can see and fix. The problem is this causes stress on relationships while never conquering the true source of pain.

I'm incredibly grateful for the coping mechanisms that have landed me in a truly happy, optimistic, and marginally hurt-free phase of life. Being able to detect the genuine source of hurt and overcome it has been one of the most momentous and beneficial accomplishments of my life and one that I wish I could hand away to every birthmother out there.

Dear birthmother letter... from a birthmom

First, I would like to correct some terms and call it a "Dear expectant mom" letter. A woman is an expectant mom, and then a mom until the moment she terminates her parental rights. THEN and only then is she a birthmom. No matter how certain she is about placement, I believe that it is (mostly accidentally) coercion to call a pregnant woman a birthmom.Second, D and G have decided to start the process to adopt again. They asked if I would be comfortable writing a letter to go with theirs to prospective birthmoms, and I of course agreed. I believe in adoption 100%. It gave so many people the very best in life, and the joy far overshadows the pain involved. I want A to have a sibling desperately, and I know the timing needs to be soon. SO- here it is, rough draft at least.

Dear Expectant Mom,

First, please know that I am praying for you and my heart aches for the painful decision you’re making. I remember being there, and I know that no one completely gets what you’re going through. I know people keep telling you how much they respect you for making such a selfless decision, and you probably don’t know that to do with that; I didn’t and still don’t. But I will tell you this: creating my daughter, giving birth to her, choosing adoption, and choosing D and G to be her parents has been the best thing I’ve done with my life. Every picture I get, update I read, and visit I have with her reaffirms that by choosing adoption, I have given her everything I imagined but couldn’t do for her. She is happy, and she has a Mom and Dad that love her more than life itself and are always present for her.It warms my heart to see the adoration in A’s eyes for her Daddy and the way she lights up when he enters the room. I love seeing all the time that D spends with her and knowing that when she needed it, D was willing and able to take a sabbatical from work to care for her. These are things I couldn’t have done for her. I love that D makes all her organic food from scratch and puts hours of research into providing A the best educational material, the most up-to-date safety precautions, the most non-toxic products, the healthiest food choices.

All that to say, I love D and G. We have become family. You can rest assured that if trust them with your baby, they will follow through with what they say. The early days of adoption aren’t easy for anyone involved, but they stuck by me to work out the fantastic relationship we have now. They have always put A before themselves, which is all I think I could ask for as a birthmom.

I pray that A gets a sibling, and know that adoption is the route for that to happen. In the darkest days of my life my siblings have been a source of strength and unconditional love and friendship. I know that when our parents are gone I will have them, and I want that so desperately for A. She lights up around other children and is so happy laughing, playing, and loving on them.

I want you to know that should you choose adoption for your baby and choose this family for him or her, you will gain their entire family. You can know from experience that they will stay true to their word. You’ll also gain me as a friend and confidant so that you don’t have to go through it alone. Your baby will be loved beyond what you can imagine and given every opportunity you could ask for. He or she will have an older sister with more love than I’ve ever seen in a child, and will never live life alone.

with love,

C