Friday, January 9, 2015

A year of growth

I've been MIA for a while. My life has changed dramatically over the past few months- more on that to follow later. I think mostly, I haven't felt felt the need to blog to heal because I have felt so much of that. I want to blog anyway so that I can go back to see my journey and so that maybe it can help someone else.

One year ago Tuesday my water broke at my best friend's house. I called A's parents, drove home, packed my bags, showered, and headed to the hospital to begin the biggest journey of my life. I can't help but cry thinking about it and my naivety, but not necessarily from sadness. I was oblivious to the next 33 hours of labor about to occur, followed by the most incredible feeling of love I didn't know my heart could feel. 

One year ago Thursday A made her entrance into this world. I remember hearing her wails as her Dad caught her and laid her on my chest. She stopped crying as soon as she heard my voice and snuggled into me, the first sign of this crazy bond we have. I remember how it felt when she latched on and began nursing like we had done this our whole lives. It felt amazing to continue to sustain her life with nutrition and love. Her little hand locked around her Mom's finger while I nursed her, and her Dad stared with such deep love. I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea the depth of pain I would feel in giving away my right to be this beautiful girl's Mommy as well as the overwhelming joy I feel every day to be in her life. I can't believe I played a part in giving that amazing child life. 

A is so incredibly happy, loved, and cared for. I feel honored that I also played a part in making that happen for her. Why I, of all people, was blessed with her I will never fully understand. But I thank God for it. I'm happy for the family that has grown over this year. A's Mom sent me saying "It is a very happy week. One year ago you brought a new life into this world and healed my broken heart. It's a week to celebrate." One of the many reasons I love her.

Lastly, I am amazed at the healing I've felt in one year. I do grieve the loss of parenting A, but I feel joy when I think of her much, much more than anything else. My anger has been replaced by gratitude, and my loneliness with love and joy.

Tomorrow is one year since I signed the papers to terminate my parental rights. My heart is filled with happiness as well as some sadness as the loss of being her Mommy. I think of her snuggling her Mom and Dad and sister and the amazing life ahead of her thanks to our teamwork. Adoption is such a bittersweet miracle.