Space

It's funny... the further I get into life as a birthmom, the less I want to do with it. The better half of my first year I wanted to talk about it constantly. I would have screamed it from rooftops if it were socially acceptable (not that I'm too big on being socially acceptable, but I have my limitations). I talked about boundaries being great, but honestly wanted nothing to do with them. I wanted to be with A all day every day. I needed pictures and updates constantly and got angry and hurt when I didn't get them. I HAD to know when my next visit was and started to wither inside when I didn't.

Now... I don't know. It's not that I love A any less or want to be a smaller part of her life. But sometimes I need space from the adoption world. My little world has evolved to so much more than her. I have a life of my own, something that I was encouraged to do for so long. Something I HAD to do. But no one warned me that a life of my own would have less space for her in it- that the two are very hard to coexist. She is and always will be a part of my life, which I am so deeply thankful for. I love her and am happy I made the right choice for both of us, but it's hard to be so deeply involved in your child's life when you're not her Mom. It has to be this compartmentalized segment of your life that you choose to not leave open constantly for your own survival and happiness. I resisted the phrase birth daughter for so long, but I'm beginning to find space for it in my life. She will always be my daughter, but it is different from the daughter I will one day parent. So birth daughter seems more and more appropriate.

I think a part of this comes as she is less and less mine and more and more D & G's. She has been theirs for a long time in my mind, but she was more "ours." Now, she has been with them longer than she was with me, They know her more and she couldn't thrive without them. I love that and am exceedingly thankful for it, but that realization also comes with another- it's time to allow myself to thrive without her constant presence. I am more than a birth mother, just as she is more than just my birth daughter. I don't know when our next visit it, and I'm ok with that. Finally, D and I are both on the same page of figuring it out as we go and seeing what feels best for all of us.

I found myself putting off the birth mother support group more and more because I just needed space. I do want to keep up with it, but maybe quarterly instead of monthly. Same with posting on here. I find myself needing it less and less, but feeling like I should update just in case someone reads it and might benefit. I realize this may seem sad, but I feel peace. I'm truly happy because this is a huge sign of progress and healing. I'm moving forward in my life.

A year of growth

I've been MIA for a while. My life has changed dramatically over the past few months- more on that to follow later. I think mostly, I haven't felt felt the need to blog to heal because I have felt so much of that. I want to blog anyway so that I can go back to see my journey and so that maybe it can help someone else.


One year ago Tuesday my water broke at my best friend's house. I called A's parents, drove home, packed my bags, showered, and headed to the hospital to begin the biggest journey of my life. I can't help but cry thinking about it and my naivety, but not necessarily from sadness. I was oblivious to the next 33 hours of labor about to occur, followed by the most incredible feeling of love I didn't know my heart could feel. 

One year ago Thursday A made her entrance into this world. I remember hearing her wails as her Dad caught her and laid her on my chest. She stopped crying as soon as she heard my voice and snuggled into me, the first sign of this crazy bond we have. I remember how it felt when she latched on and began nursing like we had done this our whole lives. It felt amazing to continue to sustain her life with nutrition and love. Her little hand locked around her Mom's finger while I nursed her, and her Dad stared with such deep love. I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea the depth of pain I would feel in giving away my right to be this beautiful girl's Mommy as well as the overwhelming joy I feel every day to be in her life. I can't believe I played a part in giving that amazing child life. 

A is so incredibly happy, loved, and cared for. I feel honored that I also played a part in making that happen for her. Why I, of all people, was blessed with her I will never fully understand. But I thank God for it. I'm happy for the family that has grown over this year. A's Mom sent me saying "It is a very happy week. One year ago you brought a new life into this world and healed my broken heart. It's a week to celebrate." One of the many reasons I love her.

Lastly, I am amazed at the healing I've felt in one year. I do grieve the loss of parenting A, but I feel joy when I think of her much, much more than anything else. My anger has been replaced by gratitude, and my loneliness with love and joy.

Tomorrow is one year since I signed the papers to terminate my parental rights. My heart is filled with happiness as well as some sadness as the loss of being her Mommy. I think of her snuggling her Mom and Dad and sister and the amazing life ahead of her thanks to our teamwork. Adoption is such a bittersweet miracle.