I saw A yesterday, and it was an amazing visit. We snuggled, laughed, "talked," and she obviously knew who I was. For 3 short hours, my pain completely disappeared. Everything in the world felt right. 20 minutes into my car ride home, it all came rushing back. I began to miss her fiercely. I would do just about anything to have her in my arms again. A month seems too far away to manage, but I know my emotions will even out again and the distance is something that all of us need. But goodness, do I miss her. It sounds cliche, but she is so incredibly beautiful and gets even more beautiful every time I see her. She's incredibly intelligent and far more advanced than her peers developmentally.
I need to learn to curb the angst in my heart. I desperately need affirmation that I matter, that she remembers me, that D&G recognize my pain in this, that my pain is OK. For me, the hardest part of being a birthmom is the unknown. No manual exists for how this should be done, and four incredibly delicate hearts are at stake while we figure it out. A wrong move could result in detrimental damage. The only thing that makes is traversable is the fact that we keep our eyes on the sole reason for doing this: that magnificent little girl. I have to keep telling myself that as long as we keep her our focus, the relationship will work out. Time will lessen pain, expectations will find themselves out, anger will dissipate, and we will all learn our places.
I love you with every cell in my body. You'll never be able to understand the depth of my love, but your smiles and snuggles are all I'll ever need to be happy. You are a blessing to this world, and brighten the lives of so many people, including me. Don't ever forget how magnificent and wanted you are.