Figuring it All Out

It's been a good week. It started with seeing my sweet A. I keep thinking about that big smile on her face as soon as she saw me. I smile every time I think about her "talking" to me, touching my face, and demanding I talk to her. I take solace in the way she is relaxed and happy with me in a way we usually only see with D&G.

It has been a very productive week in the world of work and school. Best of all, I feel like we're finally getting into a groove with this whole birthmom relationship. It started with us all so very close, texting daily, keeping me in the loop of every little detail, and D probably having some resentment at the level of energy that took away from her. I can only imagine what it took from her to update me constantly, worry about how I'm doing, worry about how the things she said and did affected me, and tackle the world of new motherhood. I'm eternally grateful she did, because it's what I needed that the time. I didn't feel such a severe cutoff from the little life that had grown inside my body for 9 months. A large part of our closeness was necessitated by the fact that I pumped breastmilk for A, because we had to keep in regular contact about milk supply and meet up dates. That did, after all, completely overtake my life. I was pumping every 2-3 hours around that clock. That meant sleeping 2 hours at a time and pumping in the car if I was brave enough to go anywhere. I was also a slow pumper, so about 9 hours of my day was devoted to pumping breastmilk for a child I didn't have to hold.

The problem came in transitioning away from this. It was a lot like ripping off a bandaid for me, except there were about 200 to be ripped off. Needless to say, we've all struggled in finding our places in each other's lives. We've had to learn what was OK, what our boundaries and roles are, and how those affected the other people involved. Needless to say, some hard feelings have been had. Finally, FINALLY, I think we've figured it out for the large part. I no longer text with the fear that I'm pushing too much, asking too much, being a burden. I longer fear that lack of response will make them think I need space and disappear.
Just yesterday I was texting A about research on organic formula I'd found and we somehow wound up in one of our old "love -fests" that made our relationship so remarkable in the beginning. What's happened is we've rediscovered our love, admiration, and appreciation for each-other. We're once again a team working together for A, but we've learned how our own lives fit into that.

Honestly, the hardest part of adoption many days is not my actual daughter. I know she's well, happy, and loved. She knows that I love her and it's very obvious at our visits that she loves me. The fear comes in the relationship with her parents. Fear of being cut off, fear of not being wanted, fear of being resented, fear of not being allowed to truly be part of the family. When you have an open adoption you have to work diligently to get passed those, but when you do, it's a beautiful thing. I feel a lot less pain now than I have in a while. I once again can think of her with a smile on my face.

I miss her already

I saw A yesterday, and it was an amazing visit. We snuggled, laughed, "talked," and she obviously knew who I was. For 3 short hours, my pain completely disappeared. Everything in the world felt right. 20 minutes into my car ride home, it all came rushing back. I began to miss her fiercely. I would do just about anything to have her in my arms again. A month seems too far away to manage, but I know my emotions will even out again and the distance is something that all of us need. But goodness, do I miss her. It sounds cliche, but she is so incredibly beautiful and gets even more beautiful every time I see her. She's incredibly intelligent and far more advanced than her peers developmentally.

I need to learn to curb the angst in my heart. I desperately need affirmation that I matter, that she remembers me, that D&G recognize my pain in this, that my pain is OK. For me, the hardest part of being a birthmom is the unknown. No manual exists for how this should be done, and four incredibly delicate hearts are at stake while we figure it out. A wrong move could result in detrimental damage. The only thing that makes is traversable is the fact that we keep our eyes on the sole reason for doing this: that magnificent little girl. I have to keep telling myself that as long as we keep her our focus, the relationship will work out. Time will lessen pain, expectations will find themselves out, anger will dissipate, and we will all learn our places.

A,

I love you with every cell in my body. You'll never be able to understand the depth of my love, but your smiles and snuggles are all I'll ever need to be happy. You are a blessing to this world, and brighten the lives of so many people, including me. Don't ever forget how magnificent and wanted you are.

C

11 Days

11 Days until I see A again. I miss that gorgeous girl SO. MUCH. She has grown astronomically and is changing at an alarming pace. I keep thinking about our last visit, when she kept "talking" to me, laughing at me, and wanting to touch my face. Gosh, I love that little girl. And guess what? One day she's going to be able to express her love right back to me. Thank God for open adoptions.

I scored well on my TEAS and officially applied to nursing school yesterday. I feel so proud of myself for getting this far and excited that it's finally happening. If I can survive this quarter and get into nursing school, I'll be a full-time nursing student in about 3 months. Things have certainly been on an upward roll.