I saw A Sunday, which was of course amazing. It had been two months this time- 9 weeks to be exact. Every time the stretch of time without her gets longer, it certainly grows me as a person. I'm hoping to maintain monthly visits until she's at least a year, but I know that just like this time that may not always be practical with our schedules.
A is sitting up on her own and wants to constantly be standing with assistance, though she can pull herself up a bit. She took to me quickly and we played and snuggled and laughed together for a few hours. She let me give her kisses and snuggle her tightly, which she apparently only does with D&G. She didn't fuss for D at all, but relaxed into my arms and touched my face, my hair, my locket. She wanted to look at my face, and "chatted" happily while we were together. I love little things like this that prove that she remembers me. No matter what, we will always have an unbreakable bond. Our relationship with continue to grow, and this will be one very loved child.
She's incredibly beautiful. She is advanced well beyond her age. Part of that is just her being a bright child. The other part is being in a home with parents that have the time and resourced and love to foster and encourage her intelligence. She is affectionate and funny, making little jokes and laughing at them. I recorded myself reading a book and gave it to her, so she intently listened to it with obvious pleasure. She grinned at the pandas on it, and laughed when her hands made a squeaking sound on the paper. When D tucked her into bed, I could hear her crying because she wasn't ready to say goodbye. I of course melted at the bottom of the stairs to once again be saying goodbye to my daughter, and to hear her crying for me for the first time. I have to say, though, it's so reassuring to see that she does truly want me in her life. This affirms that open adoption was the right option and is best for her. She calmed down and was ultimately happy to be in her Mommy's arms.
It's amazing to me that the same word used to describe this sometimes overwhelming affection I have for my daughter is used to describe one's affection for Pumpkin Spice Latte or a football team. Love doesn't begin to describe this feeling that lights up my life and gives it the kind of meaning one dreams of finding in life. It inspires me to be more, to make a difference in the world because I now know that I can. I'm so blessed to watch this beautiful little girl grow up. She's such a joy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
When did I start feeling normal again?
Somewhere along my path of grief, fear, joy, and change, I started feeling "normal" again. Now, I'm not one to typically be a fan of normal. I have always been told growing up that normal is for those who are afraid to be themselves, and I agree. But it takes a toll on one's mental health to constantly work to be happy, to not fall apart, and to always feel like you are not 100% human anymore because you have lived through something no one around you has. Even the best adoptions result in PTSD- hospitals, babies, pregnancy, and a myriad of triggers specific to you and your baby are not safe for a while. And this is not normal. How do you carry a normal conversation with a 20-something whose biggest concern is whether this passive-aggressive status on facebook is indeed directed at her when you just grew a human and then sent her home to a new Mommy? It's tough at first, and you feel a level of confidence that it will always be this way. The best solace you find is that triggers no longer send you into a tailspin. They now instead feel like someone sitting on your chest, which is much more manageable. So you hope that in time it will feel more like a squeeze and you'll get better at faking normalcy. But you know what? You don't. The pain does lessen. Sometimes, it's a squeeze. Sometimes it's an elephant on your chest, but this happens less and less. Sometimes it's fond thoughts when you see a book your daughter would love. One day, you realize out of nowhere that you are a real person again! You have joy... so much joy in your life. You have relationships and a life of your own, and you aren't faking it any more. You have menial concerns again like that jerk at starbucks that gets your order wrong every. time. Oh, and you're a birthmom, which is pretty awesome because you grew an amazing little person who loves you and made a family where there was before hurt. So your family is bigger now, and life goes on.
Ways to help birthmom
I recently posted this to a forum I'm on, and decided to share here, too. If you are considering adoption or have adopted, these are things you can do to help ease the grief of your child's birthmom and give her some joy:
1. Lots of pics, esp. of LO. Fam pics are nice sometimes to see how happy everyone is, but I like mostly pics of LO because it gives me joy to stare into her face.
2. As detailed updates as you can handle. I love knowing her sleep schedule, what she's eating, how her health is, and what milestones she's reaching. It helps me feel like I'm not missing everything.
3. A memento. A's Mom gave me a locket with her initials monogrammed on the back. It was discreet so I could avoid questions, but I had a piece of her with me everywhere I went. I love it even now. She also got me an engraved picture frame with a pic of A, which I love. I recommend the locket above any other gift. Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy, either. But I would have never been able to afford even a cheap locket and wouldn't have something like that for myself.
4. Thank her. Let her know if you're grateful for her, and why. A lot of the pain of being a birthmom is the guilt of feeling like a burden. She'll hopefully thank you for giving her LO everything.
5. Sometimes, space. Sometimes, contact hurts too much. Sometimes we need a bit of space to get ourselves back together. Please don't get angry or give up on her. Keep doing what you normally do, and in time she'll hopefully come around. It's so important for her to know that's it's OK to have space and that the door will still be open when she's ready.
6. Patience and forgiveness. I know this is very hard on you, too. She knows and respects that, but sometimes being a birthmom takes every bit of your being and you don't have much left over for everyone else. She may say or do things to offend you, so please know that it's not intentional. She'll probably realize it later and beat herself up for it. Doesn't mean you can't lovingly say something, but patience is so huge. I want to do nothing but love and support and help A's Mom, but I know quite often I HAVE been a burden to her and have said things not realizing they would hurt. She's done the same, and I've used all the patience I could to work through it and get to the fantastic place we're in now.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Has it really been a month?
I didn't think it had been a month since I posted. Time has been flying. Had family vacation last week, and school has been a bit insane. I haven't had an August visit and they haven't offered. I want to visit so badly, but I get sick of always feeling like I'm intruding in their life and harassing them when they're already so very busy. I guess I kept hoping that they would offer or ask when I wanted to come, and they haven't. There's a chance they may be waiting for me to ask to respect my space, but I have to say that my insecurities get the best of me and I still feel more like a nuisance and a means to an end (I was necessary to get the baby) more than someone they want in their life. I so desperately don't want to be a burden. Honestly, they haven't said or done anything to imply that I am a burden since the early days, but I have a feeling this is an insecurity all birthmothers feel. Other than this craziness, I have been doing well on the adoption front. I'm not sure I could say I hurt less, but I'm learning to cope with it better. I barely have any anger any more, and I don't often have that deep, suffocating pain I used to. Now I may feel the pain more often as I realize I've become less and less a part of her life, but it is a much milder pain as I learn to accept this. I'm so thankful to know that my sweet A is happy with a wonderful family, and that my relationship with her and her parents is solid.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Figuring it All Out
It's been a good week. It started with seeing my sweet A. I keep thinking about that big smile on her face as soon as she saw me. I smile every time I think about her "talking" to me, touching my face, and demanding I talk to her. I take solace in the way she is relaxed and happy with me in a way we usually only see with D&G.
It has been a very productive week in the world of work and school. Best of all, I feel like we're finally getting into a groove with this whole birthmom relationship. It started with us all so very close, texting daily, keeping me in the loop of every little detail, and D probably having some resentment at the level of energy that took away from her. I can only imagine what it took from her to update me constantly, worry about how I'm doing, worry about how the things she said and did affected me, and tackle the world of new motherhood. I'm eternally grateful she did, because it's what I needed that the time. I didn't feel such a severe cutoff from the little life that had grown inside my body for 9 months. A large part of our closeness was necessitated by the fact that I pumped breastmilk for A, because we had to keep in regular contact about milk supply and meet up dates. That did, after all, completely overtake my life. I was pumping every 2-3 hours around that clock. That meant sleeping 2 hours at a time and pumping in the car if I was brave enough to go anywhere. I was also a slow pumper, so about 9 hours of my day was devoted to pumping breastmilk for a child I didn't have to hold.
The problem came in transitioning away from this. It was a lot like ripping off a bandaid for me, except there were about 200 to be ripped off. Needless to say, we've all struggled in finding our places in each other's lives. We've had to learn what was OK, what our boundaries and roles are, and how those affected the other people involved. Needless to say, some hard feelings have been had. Finally, FINALLY, I think we've figured it out for the large part. I no longer text with the fear that I'm pushing too much, asking too much, being a burden. I longer fear that lack of response will make them think I need space and disappear.
Just yesterday I was texting A about research on organic formula I'd found and we somehow wound up in one of our old "love -fests" that made our relationship so remarkable in the beginning. What's happened is we've rediscovered our love, admiration, and appreciation for each-other. We're once again a team working together for A, but we've learned how our own lives fit into that.
Honestly, the hardest part of adoption many days is not my actual daughter. I know she's well, happy, and loved. She knows that I love her and it's very obvious at our visits that she loves me. The fear comes in the relationship with her parents. Fear of being cut off, fear of not being wanted, fear of being resented, fear of not being allowed to truly be part of the family. When you have an open adoption you have to work diligently to get passed those, but when you do, it's a beautiful thing. I feel a lot less pain now than I have in a while. I once again can think of her with a smile on my face.
It has been a very productive week in the world of work and school. Best of all, I feel like we're finally getting into a groove with this whole birthmom relationship. It started with us all so very close, texting daily, keeping me in the loop of every little detail, and D probably having some resentment at the level of energy that took away from her. I can only imagine what it took from her to update me constantly, worry about how I'm doing, worry about how the things she said and did affected me, and tackle the world of new motherhood. I'm eternally grateful she did, because it's what I needed that the time. I didn't feel such a severe cutoff from the little life that had grown inside my body for 9 months. A large part of our closeness was necessitated by the fact that I pumped breastmilk for A, because we had to keep in regular contact about milk supply and meet up dates. That did, after all, completely overtake my life. I was pumping every 2-3 hours around that clock. That meant sleeping 2 hours at a time and pumping in the car if I was brave enough to go anywhere. I was also a slow pumper, so about 9 hours of my day was devoted to pumping breastmilk for a child I didn't have to hold.
The problem came in transitioning away from this. It was a lot like ripping off a bandaid for me, except there were about 200 to be ripped off. Needless to say, we've all struggled in finding our places in each other's lives. We've had to learn what was OK, what our boundaries and roles are, and how those affected the other people involved. Needless to say, some hard feelings have been had. Finally, FINALLY, I think we've figured it out for the large part. I no longer text with the fear that I'm pushing too much, asking too much, being a burden. I longer fear that lack of response will make them think I need space and disappear.
Just yesterday I was texting A about research on organic formula I'd found and we somehow wound up in one of our old "love -fests" that made our relationship so remarkable in the beginning. What's happened is we've rediscovered our love, admiration, and appreciation for each-other. We're once again a team working together for A, but we've learned how our own lives fit into that.
Honestly, the hardest part of adoption many days is not my actual daughter. I know she's well, happy, and loved. She knows that I love her and it's very obvious at our visits that she loves me. The fear comes in the relationship with her parents. Fear of being cut off, fear of not being wanted, fear of being resented, fear of not being allowed to truly be part of the family. When you have an open adoption you have to work diligently to get passed those, but when you do, it's a beautiful thing. I feel a lot less pain now than I have in a while. I once again can think of her with a smile on my face.
Monday, July 14, 2014
I miss her already
I saw A yesterday, and it was an amazing visit. We snuggled, laughed, "talked," and she obviously knew who I was. For 3 short hours, my pain completely disappeared. Everything in the world felt right. 20 minutes into my car ride home, it all came rushing back. I began to miss her fiercely. I would do just about anything to have her in my arms again. A month seems too far away to manage, but I know my emotions will even out again and the distance is something that all of us need. But goodness, do I miss her. It sounds cliche, but she is so incredibly beautiful and gets even more beautiful every time I see her. She's incredibly intelligent and far more advanced than her peers developmentally.
I need to learn to curb the angst in my heart. I desperately need affirmation that I matter, that she remembers me, that D&G recognize my pain in this, that my pain is OK. For me, the hardest part of being a birthmom is the unknown. No manual exists for how this should be done, and four incredibly delicate hearts are at stake while we figure it out. A wrong move could result in detrimental damage. The only thing that makes is traversable is the fact that we keep our eyes on the sole reason for doing this: that magnificent little girl. I have to keep telling myself that as long as we keep her our focus, the relationship will work out. Time will lessen pain, expectations will find themselves out, anger will dissipate, and we will all learn our places.
A,
I love you with every cell in my body. You'll never be able to understand the depth of my love, but your smiles and snuggles are all I'll ever need to be happy. You are a blessing to this world, and brighten the lives of so many people, including me. Don't ever forget how magnificent and wanted you are.
C
I need to learn to curb the angst in my heart. I desperately need affirmation that I matter, that she remembers me, that D&G recognize my pain in this, that my pain is OK. For me, the hardest part of being a birthmom is the unknown. No manual exists for how this should be done, and four incredibly delicate hearts are at stake while we figure it out. A wrong move could result in detrimental damage. The only thing that makes is traversable is the fact that we keep our eyes on the sole reason for doing this: that magnificent little girl. I have to keep telling myself that as long as we keep her our focus, the relationship will work out. Time will lessen pain, expectations will find themselves out, anger will dissipate, and we will all learn our places.
A,
I love you with every cell in my body. You'll never be able to understand the depth of my love, but your smiles and snuggles are all I'll ever need to be happy. You are a blessing to this world, and brighten the lives of so many people, including me. Don't ever forget how magnificent and wanted you are.
C
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
11 Days
11 Days until I see A again. I miss that gorgeous girl SO. MUCH. She has grown astronomically and is changing at an alarming pace. I keep thinking about our last visit, when she kept "talking" to me, laughing at me, and wanting to touch my face. Gosh, I love that little girl. And guess what? One day she's going to be able to express her love right back to me. Thank God for open adoptions.
I scored well on my TEAS and officially applied to nursing school yesterday. I feel so proud of myself for getting this far and excited that it's finally happening. If I can survive this quarter and get into nursing school, I'll be a full-time nursing student in about 3 months. Things have certainly been on an upward roll.
I scored well on my TEAS and officially applied to nursing school yesterday. I feel so proud of myself for getting this far and excited that it's finally happening. If I can survive this quarter and get into nursing school, I'll be a full-time nursing student in about 3 months. Things have certainly been on an upward roll.
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