Has it really been a month?

I didn't think it had been a month since I posted. Time has been flying. Had family vacation last week, and school has been a bit insane. I haven't had an August visit and they haven't offered. I want to visit so badly, but I get sick of always feeling like I'm intruding in their life and harassing them when they're already so very busy. I guess I kept hoping that they would offer or ask when I wanted to come, and they haven't. There's a chance they may be waiting for me to ask to respect my space, but I have to say that my insecurities get the best of me and I still feel more like a nuisance and a means to an end (I was necessary to get the baby) more than someone they want in their life. I so desperately don't want to be a burden. Honestly, they haven't said or done anything to imply that I am a burden since the early days, but I have a feeling this is an insecurity all birthmothers feel. Other than this craziness, I have been doing well on the adoption front. I'm not sure I could say I hurt less, but I'm learning to cope with it better. I barely have any anger any more, and I don't often have that deep, suffocating pain I used to. Now I may feel the pain more often as I realize I've become less and less a part of her life, but it is a much milder pain as I learn to accept this. I'm so thankful to know that my sweet A is happy with a wonderful family, and that my relationship with her and her parents is solid.

Figuring it All Out

It's been a good week. It started with seeing my sweet A. I keep thinking about that big smile on her face as soon as she saw me. I smile every time I think about her "talking" to me, touching my face, and demanding I talk to her. I take solace in the way she is relaxed and happy with me in a way we usually only see with D&G.

It has been a very productive week in the world of work and school. Best of all, I feel like we're finally getting into a groove with this whole birthmom relationship. It started with us all so very close, texting daily, keeping me in the loop of every little detail, and D probably having some resentment at the level of energy that took away from her. I can only imagine what it took from her to update me constantly, worry about how I'm doing, worry about how the things she said and did affected me, and tackle the world of new motherhood. I'm eternally grateful she did, because it's what I needed that the time. I didn't feel such a severe cutoff from the little life that had grown inside my body for 9 months. A large part of our closeness was necessitated by the fact that I pumped breastmilk for A, because we had to keep in regular contact about milk supply and meet up dates. That did, after all, completely overtake my life. I was pumping every 2-3 hours around that clock. That meant sleeping 2 hours at a time and pumping in the car if I was brave enough to go anywhere. I was also a slow pumper, so about 9 hours of my day was devoted to pumping breastmilk for a child I didn't have to hold.

The problem came in transitioning away from this. It was a lot like ripping off a bandaid for me, except there were about 200 to be ripped off. Needless to say, we've all struggled in finding our places in each other's lives. We've had to learn what was OK, what our boundaries and roles are, and how those affected the other people involved. Needless to say, some hard feelings have been had. Finally, FINALLY, I think we've figured it out for the large part. I no longer text with the fear that I'm pushing too much, asking too much, being a burden. I longer fear that lack of response will make them think I need space and disappear.
Just yesterday I was texting A about research on organic formula I'd found and we somehow wound up in one of our old "love -fests" that made our relationship so remarkable in the beginning. What's happened is we've rediscovered our love, admiration, and appreciation for each-other. We're once again a team working together for A, but we've learned how our own lives fit into that.

Honestly, the hardest part of adoption many days is not my actual daughter. I know she's well, happy, and loved. She knows that I love her and it's very obvious at our visits that she loves me. The fear comes in the relationship with her parents. Fear of being cut off, fear of not being wanted, fear of being resented, fear of not being allowed to truly be part of the family. When you have an open adoption you have to work diligently to get passed those, but when you do, it's a beautiful thing. I feel a lot less pain now than I have in a while. I once again can think of her with a smile on my face.

I miss her already

I saw A yesterday, and it was an amazing visit. We snuggled, laughed, "talked," and she obviously knew who I was. For 3 short hours, my pain completely disappeared. Everything in the world felt right. 20 minutes into my car ride home, it all came rushing back. I began to miss her fiercely. I would do just about anything to have her in my arms again. A month seems too far away to manage, but I know my emotions will even out again and the distance is something that all of us need. But goodness, do I miss her. It sounds cliche, but she is so incredibly beautiful and gets even more beautiful every time I see her. She's incredibly intelligent and far more advanced than her peers developmentally.

I need to learn to curb the angst in my heart. I desperately need affirmation that I matter, that she remembers me, that D&G recognize my pain in this, that my pain is OK. For me, the hardest part of being a birthmom is the unknown. No manual exists for how this should be done, and four incredibly delicate hearts are at stake while we figure it out. A wrong move could result in detrimental damage. The only thing that makes is traversable is the fact that we keep our eyes on the sole reason for doing this: that magnificent little girl. I have to keep telling myself that as long as we keep her our focus, the relationship will work out. Time will lessen pain, expectations will find themselves out, anger will dissipate, and we will all learn our places.

A,

I love you with every cell in my body. You'll never be able to understand the depth of my love, but your smiles and snuggles are all I'll ever need to be happy. You are a blessing to this world, and brighten the lives of so many people, including me. Don't ever forget how magnificent and wanted you are.

C

11 Days

11 Days until I see A again. I miss that gorgeous girl SO. MUCH. She has grown astronomically and is changing at an alarming pace. I keep thinking about our last visit, when she kept "talking" to me, laughing at me, and wanting to touch my face. Gosh, I love that little girl. And guess what? One day she's going to be able to express her love right back to me. Thank God for open adoptions.

I scored well on my TEAS and officially applied to nursing school yesterday. I feel so proud of myself for getting this far and excited that it's finally happening. If I can survive this quarter and get into nursing school, I'll be a full-time nursing student in about 3 months. Things have certainly been on an upward roll.

My life is actually happening

I had a revelation last night- I had scheduled my TEAS test and the last quarter of classes I needed before nursing school and was staring at the nursing school application. My life is happening- it's my own for the first time in over a year. I can't say moving on because I think about A almost constantly. But it's moving forward. For maybe the first time in my life I'm doing something entirely for myself.  When A was born, my life was in shambles. I had a job I didn't like, had lost my best friends except one, had been left by the one person I wanted to be with the rest of my life and couldn't seem to shake it, and no no goal in life- not to mention the loss of my daughter. Now I love my job and am cherished in it, I have many great relationships in my life, and I am learning to see A's adoption as more than loss. It's not easy, especially as I miss more and more in her life, but it's happening. My heart is very slowly healing and my life has become my own. I am gradually building a relationship with A that will last a lifetime... how very blessed I am.

Listen to Your Gut

I always hear people say to "listen to your heart." While I'm not saying this is bad advice, I think that what's more important is to listen to your gut. God has given us amazing instincts and speaks to us regularly to guide us if we'll only listen. I've been trying to listen to my gut to lead me through the vicarious adoption journey. When I follow my heart or even my head I get all twisted, mess up relationships, and find myself hurting more than I have to. I've been struggling so much more lately as a birth mom than I have for a while. Then I made a switch. I prayed harder about it and listened to that quiet voice for guidance. I talked to the right people and held my tongue when needed. I went shopping today and bought A two new outfits. I didn't want to because in the past it has been painful and unsuccessful, but something told me it was time. I didn't think about the "politics" of it all. D&G are great people and if they really didn't like the outfits they could return or donate them and I'd likely never know. So I bought her what I would if I were her Mom and enjoyed the experience. I talked to the sales clerk about my little girl because in the end, I needed an experience so somehow connect me back to her and let me enjoy being hers for a moment. If I see them on her in pics that will be great, but if not, I got what I needed. I left the therapeutic shopping trip happier and much more light-hearted than I've been in a while.

Musings

I'm really missing A today, as she turns 5 months old. It's hard to watch her age because I feel like the older she gets, the less impact I have on her life. It's hard for me to distinguish grief from anger and I've been struggling to discern what is fair to be angry about and what is simply part of the process that I need to deal with. Sometimes I feel angry that I'm not in her life more; that I am made to be a bigger part of her family, not face-timed with, never get videos made to me but to other family members, that I get shut out when things get rough, that I seem to get the brunt of the frustration sometimes. I know that many parts of that are not fair to be angry about. I chose adoption. I chose to not be her parent, to not be an immediate part of her family. I love that she's doing so well without me because that was my desire, but it's not easy to accept. It's hard to not feel brushed aside and unimportant because my task of growing a human being for someone else is finished. Sometimes I want to scream that I don't care if it's inconvenient, I want to be on the inside. I want to be sure that she knows she's loved by me. I want to know that she knows and loves me. I want to make sure that I don't disappear into the background and one day awkwardly shove myself back in when she has questions that only I can answer.

I know that this is a difficult time and that it will only get better. I have been told many times that the first year is the hardest and I can see why. Placing a child for adoption is difficult in and of itself, but add in the difficult of navigating a new relationship with her parents and it's ridiculous. There are no set rules, no norms to follow, no book to read. There's no way to know if any step is right on my part of if any move on their part is fair to me or right for A. I know that in time we'll settle into our roles and develop our rules as to how this thing should run. I'll learn to find my voice and know when it's appropriate to advocate it. A will get older and learn to love me on her own, and one day we will be a sort of odd, magical family of our on.

When that happens, I won't need anyone else to validate my significance. I'll learn to stand on my own feet and not need to selfishly feel that significance. I know that I chose adoption for A. I know that that was the last decision I got to make for her before handing those reigns over. I am happy beyond words that my baby girl is happy and safe and as she should be, but that doesn't stop my heart from yearning. Her little body was built inside of mine and every fiber of my being fights to maintain that connection no matter how hard I beg it to let go. SO no, my desires may not be fair. No, my anger may not be warranted. No, I may not need to be such a significant role in her life and yes, maybe I should loosen my grip of her. I rationally accept that, but the thing is it's going to take time. Time will heal these wounds and ease my anger. Time will fill my life with more and more joy that has already made the pain far more manageable that I had anticipated. In the meantime, I just hope those involved can find it in themselves to bear with me and show some compassion.